Satellite Heart

It Just Now Hit Me This is More Than Just a Set Back

2010-07-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

(I So Hate Consequences-Relient K)
I have decided to close my Blog. No point in really having it, especially a teenage girl. I will have this message up for about a week or so, then it will come down... Ironically, it will be a year in 6 days since I have had a blog.
I am learning and dealing, a lot being on my own even though I had the greatest being in the universe backing me up. Ever since July 2-4, I have been praying and meditating a lot... I am fully aware of all my mistakes, and more. Just thinking of the guilt and punishment make me sick to my stomache, even over minor matters. Why? Well, if you have learned anything about me, it should be that I do not like to dissapoint, even though I still do it... I think it is also more of having less friends at the end, as if those aren't already scarce.
This past year, I have learned a lot about the "B" word... Well, that too, but I am reffering to "Boundries". You can build them up and say they are there, but at some point you have to throw a rock at it, just to make sure its not made up. They are there for a reason and guess what, your never the first to try and defy them.
People. We think we are the exception and never the rule. can't say I haven't felt that way at some point. Ah, hubris at its best.
Thanks to all who follwed or at least pretended too. I will continue my writing because lets face it, I do have something going for me there. But that isn't my main goal right now. Now, it is working on my relationships. This includes friends, parents, siblings, and most importantly, Jehovah.
Next month I will be 16, going into my Junior year of High School where my brother will enter as a Senior, graduating. Then the year after that it will be my turn. Hopefully by then, I will have definate boundries that will protect me when I enter into the real world.
Again, thanks for all those who cared enough to look at this. Hope all goes well with you. And I urge all to look up the song that inspired the title to this entry. It's a good one. Stay safe. Stay strong. :)

If Beauty Was Inches, You'd Go on For Miles

2010-07-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

Mommy and Minivan. Two nicknames I have acquired over the past week or so of being here. I am more of a mom than I am a friend... Cool.
Nearly everything I do is a "mommy" quality. I enjoy doing dishes and cleaning, I am more worried about rules than having fun, and am viewed as a parent more than a friend. One said, "Your just so parental its scary!" or "Why can't you just be a regular teenager?" Gee, I don't know, maybe cause I had to learn to grow up fast sooner than others?
If I know it's stupid to have certain teenage qualities and I know what's right, then why waste my time acting ignorant? If I already know the outcome, why do it? Then, people say I am immature and obviously act 15. Truth is, I am so sick of people telling me what I am. I have a pretty good idea of who I am and will be, so I don't need pthers telling me otherwise.
I care about people, which can be a weakness but also a very strong strength. You can hurt me beyond belief, but I will defend you because I see your view point. Note: I can understand your view point, but doesn't mean I agree with it. I process situations and reach conclusions in a way that points me in the direction of being the person I want to be when I am older faster than others. It takes a little time and effort to put it in action, but I do know what to do.
I am learning to look at the big picture, and not the small cracks that have ruined it. I over analyze everything over and over again from many different perspectives. So you can imagine my frustration when people think I don't get things.
I am smart, mature, and have handled things pretty well so far. Yes, I have a tendancy to put too much on myself at one time, but I Know what to do and am working on it.
I'm too frustrated to talk more about this, but it would be nice if people had a little more faith in me. Just let me breathe, I will get it eventually. Just please back off a bit.

Take This to Heart-Mayday Parade

2010-07-13T15:19:00.000-07:00

Just cause this song is awesome... And again, nostalgic. D:

Cause I'm a mess and you know that I can't help it
The drive home never seemed this long before
We're killing time just a little bit faster
And I swear we'll make it

But I can't tell you what I don't know
(Be mine tonight, be mine tonight)
The simple things that make my heart go
(Be mine tonight, be mine tonight)
But I can't tell you what I don't know
You'll have to wait
You'll have to wait

Stay safe, stay strong
And let me know that you'll be here while I am gone
Because I'm coming home
Coming home tonight
Let's get this right
I said I'm coming home
Coming home tonight

You said it hurts and you know that I believe you
Searching every little thing to find a way
To tell your heart just to wait a little longer
I swear we'll make it

But I can't tell you what I don't know
(Be mine tonight, be mine tonight)
The simple things that make my heart go
(Be mine tonight, be mine tonight)
But I can't tell you what I don't know
You'll have to wait
You'll have to wait

Stay safe, stay strong
And let me know that you'll be here while I am gone
Because I'm coming home
Coming home tonight
Let's get this right
I said I'm coming home
Coming home tonight

One more night
And we'll go spinning around the room
And dance with our hearts on fire
Cause every song is ours tonight
And if you love me so,
I'm gonna tell the whole world
That it's the greatest thing that happened to me
I've finally found a good reason to come home

Stay safe, stay strong
And let me know that you'll be here while I am gone
Because I'm coming home
Coming home tonight
Let's get this right
I said I'm coming home
Coming home tonight

And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder, and I had a feeling that I belonged

2010-07-12T20:36:00.000-07:00

(Fast Car-Tracy Chapman)
Ever feel sorry for mirrors? They have so much pressure on them to make the person looking at them happy. Can you imagine how many glares and tears they have seen? Or how many self realizations they have witnessed? I wonder if they ever get frustrated or mad because no matter what they do, they will only be able to point out the flaws; never meant to fix them.
Especially when they ask you for advice. "Who am I?" "What am I doing?" "What should I do?" I bet they would give anything t have those few minutes to have a mouth and tell them it's okay. If I were a mirror, I would take those few moments to say, "Please stop crying. I have known you since you were a child, and have seen you on your best and worst days. You have so much ahead of you... Please don't fret. You will get through it all."
Then there are the days when you see a face that's happy to see you. Maybe, the person can't even stop staring. Those are the day mirrors must feel there best. Those are the days you know your mirror is smiling.
So next time you look in a mirror, thank it for being there with you. Trust me, it wasn't an easy task.

Can I pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

2010-07-10T19:29:00.000-07:00

(B.O.B.-Airplanes)
Yes, It's already been a year since I have been in Georgia. Can you believe it? It's such a different experience than last year. It's like going on a roller coaster for the first time. You don't know any of the curbs, turns, twists, and drops so you tend to get your head smacked and messy hair. But then you go on the ride again and you know where to move your head and hey, you brought a hair tie so your hair wont get in your face. And look at that! You can enjoy the ride...
I know, comparing life to a roller coaster. SO original. So, first things first: I love my little brother to no end. He has the biggest loving heart and I have missed him terribly. :( This morning I got up to take a shower, only to come out and find him in my bed sleeping. Tell me that isn't adorable! I gave him a big hug and got him all wet, but instead of complaining, he just took a piece of my hair and smiled. :)
I went with Alysha to her work today. Two girls in a boutique shop by ourselves... Oh, it happened. We went around trying on ALL kinds of clothing, including an awesome wedding dress. XD So, to say the least we had an AWESOME time! She even bought me some clothes that are quite flattering if I do say so myself. :P (Not slutty, No. Flattering colors and cut. Thats it.)
I miss California... A little. Lol. I've missed the green. Just seeing tree's that weren't planted there, but just grow. This morning I sat on the side of my house, just enjoying the morning and drinking sweet tea. And, call me crazy, but I have missed the humidity. It makes me feel, just... Relaxed. Nothing seems to be dry like California. Instead, it's refreshed.
Three weeks will be good for everyone I think. Everyone needs a break from us at sometime, I know. But I do miss you guys. :(
See you in three weeks! I will keep you updated. :)

Saving Smiles

2010-06-28T12:45:00.000-07:00

This song is dedicated to my best friend that I have known since the day I was born, literally. I hope this helps. :)

Verse 1:
If I told you, would you know
The smiles I painted in the snow?
Would you hear my crying laugh
Chasing innocence in your behalf?
If you could remember your heart
I'd build it from end to start

Chorus:
Tell me where to go, I will follow
Tell me where to fall, I'll stumble
Catch your tears flowing down
Plant the seed in the ground
We can make it into something beautiful
Because you are something beautiful

Verse 2:
In front of me is who I miss
Terribly lost in her own abyss
Do you long for our embrace
That burned our only disgrace?
If you could remember your heart
I'd build it from end to start

Chorus:
Tell me where to go, I will follow
Tell me where to fall, I'll stumble
Catch your tears flowing down
Plant the seed in the ground
We can make it into something beautiful
Because you are something beautiful

Verse 3:
Give your hand to the familiar stranger
Don't be afraid, I swear you can trust her
Don't be afraid to trust me...

Chorus:
Tell me where to go, I will follow
Tell me where to fall, I'll stumble
Catch your tears flowing down
Plant the seed in the ground
We can make it into something beautiful
Because you are something beautiful

Todays a winding road that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go

2010-06-24T13:42:00.000-07:00

(Thunder-Boys Like Girls)
Ever feel like everything is changing? I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach and it's making me sick.
It's summer.
I am in Denial about this simple fact because of all the connotations with it. For one, I went to my friends graduation yesterday. Do you have any idea how hard it is to accept this? Cause that not only means they are now adults making it in the world, but that my brother and friends are now seniors. If they are seniors, then I'm a Junior...
I am now a Junior.
The only two things exciting about that is how I can now go off campus for lunch and will be getting out earlier. BUT if I'm a Junior, then my sister is a Freshman... HOLY CRAP! She is NOT allowed to go to my high school! NO! That is not happening, cause if she is in high school, so are other kids I have known for 5 years. And if they are in high school, the even smaller people are in middle school... So basically, there are going to be graduations for the next 8 years in a row. But during that time, hey, maybe some weddings to. That's what's so freaky... Too many things that can happen.
I'm going to go back to school where a good portion of my friends are going to be experiencing their last year of high school. It was already hard letting go of my senior friends who made creative writing club the high light of my week...
They all are gone.
Another thing that is slowly sinking in. I will never see those people again unless that have some kind of death wish and actually want to visit their high school, except most are going to be away in college.
Too many things are going to be different... Oh well. It is what it is. Just thought I would vent a little. :)

I'd Hate To Be You When People Find Out What This Song Is About

2010-06-20T19:45:00.000-07:00

Just because this song has nostalgic connotations...

And we both go down together
We'd stay there forever
Just try to get up
And i'm sorry
This wasn't easy
When i asked you, believe me
And never let go

Well i'm thinking of the worst things
That i could say to you
But a promise doesn't mean a thing anymore
And this never will be right with me
And now you're trying to desperately
But i'm tongue tied and terrified of what i'll say

And then we both go down together
We may stay there forever
I'll just try to get up
And i'm sorry
This wasn't easy
When i asked you, believe me
You never let go
But i let go

I could only sing you sad songs
And you could sing along
And you could see the melody
That's been calling out your wrongs
And this never will be right with me
And now you're trying to desperately
But i'm tongue tied and terrified of what i'll say
But i never told you everything
I'm losing hope and fading dreams
And every single memory along the way

And then we both go down together
We may stay there forever
I'll just try to get up
And i'm sorry
This wasn't easy
When i asked you, believe me
You never let go
But i let go

And we both go down together
And stay there forever
Just try to get up

And then we both go down together
We may stay there forever
I'll just try to get up
And i'm sorry
This wasn't easy
When i asked you, believe me
You never let go
But i let go

The more I see, the less I like

2010-06-18T16:38:00.000-07:00

(Breathe-Breaking Benjamin)
Decisions, decisions... What about them? Well, it's the one thing you can always say is yours. You can blame people and the situations they put you in, but you will always have the final say in your decisions... I think people forget that.
At some point you need to stop saying, "I can't because..." or "I would, but..." But what? But it doesn't help me in the end? I can't because it's not that simple? Believe it or not, there are many simple things in this world. We just want to say it;s complicated so we can get away with more.
... It took me a little bit to understand this. Now I do, and I am determined to actually take responsibility for my actions and realize I can do something about it. Of course, some things you can't help, but at the same time it is our choice on how we respond to these situations.
Just food for thought. :)

Missing-Flyleaf

2010-06-16T08:35:00.000-07:00

So, I was going to post a happier song, but then I saw this song and really wanted to post it. The music video is awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-X5lbZi6UUo

I saw the queen
Swam out below her star on sea beneath
Though I lifted up my hands to her
She never lifted me

Oh, something's missing in me
I felt it deep within me
As lovers left me to bleed alone

Found something sweet
On the island with the daughters of eve
But through thick and thin they've gone away
And only left their grief

Oh, something's missing in me
I felt it deep within me
As lovers left me to bleed alone

Something's missing in me
I felt it deep within me
As lovers left me to bleed alone

Something's missing in me
Something's missing in me

Down here, love wasn't meant to be
It wasn't meant to be for me
Down here, love wasn't meant to be
It wasn't meant to be for me
(all is vanity, underneath the sun, all is vanity)

Oh, something's missing in me
I felt it deep within me
As lovers left me to bleed alone

Something's missing in me
I felt it deep within me
As lovers left me to bleed alone

Something's missing in me
Something's missing in me
Something's missing in me
Something's missing in me

It may take some time to patch me up inside

2010-06-08T16:25:00.001-07:00

(Best I Ever Had-Vertical Horizon)
People fall in and out of love all the time... That line has been running through my head all day and I can't seem to get it out. It doesn't make sense. If you love someone, it takes awhile to stop. There are many people I love that have hurt me (ok, maybe not MANY but enough for me to know) but I don't just stop.
(I am not talking about anything recent. This goes back to 3-10 years ago.)
People... Am I the only one thinking this? I mean, come on. Am I the only one who has a heart that grows instead of putting "For Rent" signs on parts of my heart? This isn't about anyone in particular, again, just a thought I have had since I woke up.
I hate that.
I can not STAND that someone can hurt me beyond belief and I will love them till the day I day and they get over it. I'm so very sick of knowing that this is reality. You know what I hate more? Mind games.
If you care then fine, do it right. Don't say you do and then go and stab me in the back. Some would call that bad manners.
I keep having this image in my head where I put my heart out on the table, along with another persons. I take off a piece of it and offer it to them. They shake their head "no" and then make a hand gesture for more. So I break off another piece, and anther, and another. In the end, I never get a piece of their heart. Just a stack of mine ripped in pieces.
Sorry, I don't know what is with me. I'm so emotional today... Must be my parents that left for Norway. :(
Well, hope you enjoyed it... I think. Do I want you to enjoy my pain? Ha, sure.

Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone...

2010-06-04T20:22:00.000-07:00

(Jack and Diane-John Mellencamp)
If I could pick one adjective to describe my week, it would be stressed. It seems like every day has been something going wrong with little going right...
So, today I was going to explode if I didn't get some kind of piece and quiet. Without too much thought, I got on my bike and headed to Borders. It's amazing how much it comforts me to be in a place filled with so many books. I only spent an hour in their, but I could have spent the whole day reading the back of all the books.
Books. That is the best thing you could give me. As many have learned, I am a very empathetic person so when you give me a written form of someone's story, it's like giving a psychologist Gregory House... Right, I'm trying not to use analogies. Let me explain, yes? I work like this:
When I have a friendship, or start making one, I put my whole heart heart out there off the monkey-see-monkey-do theory. I give you a piece of my heart, and I will take a piece of yours. Now, we share each other. When I get a book, it's personal. It feels like a person is opening up to me and telling me their darkest secrets that they couldn't tell anyone else.
I take their story and put it with mine and see how they are like me, or someone I know. Even if I don't, I will now know how to talk with a person of that personality type. So, I learn. So, if I discuss books in detail with you and how that person thinks, it means I trust you and am, in a way, showing you a piece of my heart.
I know, it sounds a little strange I would imagine, but it's the truth. Each book I have read has touched me in some way. Especially if it's one about the south. XD
So that hour of just reading the back of books was very soothing. So, I rode my bike over to Starbucks and sat outside, sipping on my chai latte. I found myself looking over at an empty place for lease and dreaming.
It's the place I have always imagined my step-mom Alicia and I owning one day together for her photo studio. The day was all planned in my head and I started to daydream...
I go to Starbucks around 7:00 and get Alicia and I coffee. I make my way upstairs to the studio and am the first one their. I take the keys out of my purse, and unlock the door to the all black studio. Ceiling, carpet, and walls: Black. The walls have her pictures hanging on them with brown frames and lights over them.
When you first walk in, there are two brown leather couches and a table with photo books and Alicia's cards. All the way to the left is Alicia and mines' office with our two Mac computers for editing. In between the waiting room and office is where the actual studio is. The lighting is already set up and ready for the family coming in at 7:30.
Soon after Alicia comes in and kisses me on the cheek. She tells me how My Dad took her out to dinner last night at her favorite restaurant. Not surprising, sense it's normal for my Dad to show his love for her in sweet ways like that. As she get's her camera set up, I sit in the spot where the family is to be and let her test the lighting.
The family comes in a little distressed.
It's a typical family: Mom, Dad, 8 year old girl, 12 year old boy. The girl has chocolate smudges on her face along with tear streaks. The boy is occupied with his Nintendo DS. Th Dad looks like he is waiting for this to be over, and the Mom is trying to fake a smile but is too flustered to succeed.
This is my job: I compliment the mom on how well she looks, and ask her about her morning. I listen with concern, learning that they woke up late, the clothes didn't dry over night so was barely presentable to get out the door. The little girl couldn't find her doll she became so attached to and refused to leave with out it.
Along the way, they got donut's and she accidentally sat on the one her husband put on the seat, now having custard in her pants.
I consoled her and shared some hectic mornings I have had and was empathetic towards her problems. I, again, told her how her family was well dressed and at least here. I get down on the girls level and wipe the donut of her face and ask her her name and age then told her how pretty her hair was and told her if she is a good girl, she gets a lolly pop after and in the mean time, there are toys ion the back she can play with. That got the boys attention and wanted in on the deal.
After the kids are distracted, I asked the parents about the family. What school did they go to? Why did they move into this area? How long have they been together? With that, memories come back to them, and even the Dad seems happier now. So, Alicia is ready and now my job to make silly faces for the kids to laugh.
After the shoot, everyone is happy and they want us to do their anniversary party coming up. Around 11, an engaged couple come in to make an appointment. After spending an hour with them discussing different payment plans and all they are included, it comes up that they are also in need for someone to do hair and makeup. Luckily, I know how and show them my portfolio. She loves it and notices the discount that's included with the package Alicia and I are in together. Fortunately, they decide to do outside photo's and we make a date.
12:30 comes and my husband is calling me. (Hey, if I'm day dreaming, I get a guy.) He has a longer lunch break and wants to take me out to the sushi place right next door. When I meet him downstairs, he picks me up, swings me, gives me a kiss and flowers. We go have lunch and I re-tell my morning so far and what's to come. He listens with earnest and is interested in my thoughts on the family and couple. I then ask him about his day at work and whatever that may entail. Our one year anniversary is coming up and I'm looking forward to seeing what he has to pull off. Knowing him (or if I marry someone smart) he has already talked to my brother and Alysha, my best friend, and has something already set up. We talk about his parents coming over for dinner and how I'm making them Italian and what other things we need to get at the store. I give him a kiss goodbye and go back to my work.
... My daydream came to an end but I was at peace... Until I looked at the time and realized I needed to get home. Riding my bike by the place I say out loud, "One day we will have you. Just wait."
So, I'm back home now feeling a lot better than earlier. I guess it's good to have little dreams like that. It keeps your feet moving through out the day.
Alright, I gave you a lot to read but I hope you enjoy it. I know I did. :)

"There's nothing that I wanna do, but try and make it up to you"

2010-05-25T16:24:00.000-07:00

(Feels Like Tonight-Daughtry)
There are so many things I miss right now that, in reality, I never had. It's like tasting liquorish and someone telling you it's chocolate, only to find out the truth later: That it wasn't chocolate, and you can never taste chocolate because your allergic to it. You see people enjoy it and love it, but you will never be able to have that.
I miss stability, or at least normality. Even within the past two weeks my views on so much has changed. It reminds me of being a photo assistant at an engagement photo shoot. You see the couple sitting next to each other, trying to get comfortable, but not knowing how. So, I go and tell them how to sit and look at that: a beautiful photo. You would never have guessed that the rock was getting in their way.
My life would be like that photo shoot: I'm trying to get comfortable, but I can't. Only people on the outside see the problem, and I don't know which way to move. I've seen other shoot's and I know how they sit, but I can't seem to do that, so the photo comes out wrong.
I've hurt people. I know, and I am sorry but if I hurt you, you can bet you hurt me. So why do I still feel guilty about hurting you? Maybe because that part of me still wants to take you in my arms and take away the pain, even though I'm the one that caused it.
I'm learning to not drive myself crazy with someone else's car, because the longer I leave mine untouched, the more likely it will be to not start.
Ok, I've used enough analogies for today. Hope you enjoyed it.

Same Serenity

2010-05-23T19:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, was gonna be a poem, but I lost my train of thought so it became a song. :/

Verse 1:
Where do you end the thing you never meant to start?
And how do you smile when you have a broken heart?
But then how do you not mend the pieces together?
Don't you know that it helps the mind breathe better,
When your sipping tea on our front porch swing
And your ranting speeches come oh so easily?

Chorus:
The mind races when your heart is safely hidden
In the locker of that little world of your imagination.
Calmly you realize the mechanics of all troubles
Little typical lessons that seemed better subtle
Somewhere along someone's line is the eyes that lost
Glimmer and innocence, but never losing their cause.

Verse 2:
Would you believe me if I told you every little thing?
Let me cry myself to sleep, hoping only in dreams?
Could you carry me to your loving, forgiving arms?
Don't you know that your smile can cure bleeding harm,
When your explaining to me a laugh only I heard
And your ranting speeches come so easily?

Chorus:
The mind races when your heart is safely hidden
In the locker of that little world of your imagination.
Calmly you realize the mechanics of all troubles
Little typical lessons that seemed better subtle
Somewhere along someone's line is the eyes that lost
Glimmer and innocence, but never losing their cause.

Vers 3:
My mind and my emotions never seem to agree
Age doesn't seem to matter when all in all it's me
Im already ahead, when I should be behind
Perspective helps keep clean, yeah I'll be fine

Where do you end the thing you never meant to start?
And how do you smile when you have a broken heart?

Chorus:
The mind races when your heart is safely hidden
In the locker of that little world of your imagination.
Calmly you realize the mechanics of all troubles
Little typical lessons that seemed better subtle
Somewhere along someone's line is the eyes that lost
Glimmer and innocence, but never losing their cause.

Love is giving someone the chance to destroy you, and trusting them not to

2010-05-17T20:09:00.000-07:00

(Anonymous)
I envy those with the strength to make it through the day without tears. How come others find it hard to cry when all you have to say is, "i'm hurting" for me to start balling? It seems like people are forgetting that the future has hope in it, and while I'm trying to convince others, I'm tempted to just lay in bed all day with my milk and a book.
I'm sick of advice, because it isn't new. I already know EXACTLY what your going to tell me and what need to do. Do I know everything? Ha, as if. Do I know what needs to be done? Yes, but if it involves putting myself before others you can forget it. I have tried, and it just causes way too much guilt.
So basically? If it makes you happy to see me in the dirt, let me lay down for you. Because quite frankly, if I already care about you I'm screwed either way...
I want to share with you a speech I was going to enter into a contest but chickened out. The theme was fighting off injustice acts. Here goes nothing:

I would like to start by reciting my favorite poem "Nothing Gold Can Stay" by Robert Frost:
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
Some wonder why this one is a particular favorite of mine. It’s because it describes the innocence we are all born with, and then grow out of in time.
This poem tells us that at some point, we turn from being a child worrying about who has the best toy to an adult trying to keep their best friend alive. At some point, we stop sharing our juice box with the kid next to us and start caring only about ourselves.
At some point, our gold is lost.
Injustice takes everything golden from the feeling of security to the promise of a loved one being there when you wake up. What is injustice? Webster’s Dictionary defines it as: a violation of rights or the rights of others. The sad thing is most traumatizing acts are not considered an injustice.
Suicide attempts are a great injustice.
In 2006, suicide was the eleventh cause of death with 33,300 victims; 12 to 15 attempts per every suicide death. I spend every day of my life making sure my best friend does not become another statistic. It's hard to convince someone that they are worth living when they want to stop, but that's all you can do. Be there for them, and become their pillar of strength until they learn how to build their own.
Even though innocence is lost because of these unjustice acts, we all gain a more beautiful kid of gold: Knowledge and Endurance. So even though I respect Robert Frost, at this point I have to disagree. There is still hope for a greater gold. This kind we will never lose, but instead keeps on growing.
So keep on enduring, fighting against injustice, and finally: discovering the gold inside you.
Thank You

Selfless Strings

2010-05-16T20:48:00.000-07:00

This is a song I wrote inspired by two friends I know getting married. Enjoy. :)

Verse 1: (Girl)
Something unexpected that smoothes its way into my door
Caring from a distance, calmly accepting nothing like before
Im heart trembles beneath you in every near thing you say
But then you catch the peices, caress them to make it okay

Bridge: (Girl)
Then something in the way your sparkled eyes gazed on me
And the smile that made me yearn for the future hopefully
So you tell me...

Chorus:
B: That your forever is forever mine to discover eachothers life's
G: Promises you will keep through the eternity of my coiled ring
B: But only I could ever say, something to fix you in every way
B,G: And only you could sing this song, since my heart's allready gone

Verse 2: (Boy)
Life's hard around the edges when we have time to smooth it out
But with your hand in mine, there's nothing we can't figure out
When your heart is shattered beyond the glue that holds us together
Remember I have a heart that's beating too, we will share eachother

Bridge: (Boy)
Cause something in the way your sparkled eyes gazed on me
And the smile that made me yearn for the future so hopefully
So you tell me...

Chorus:
B: That your forever is forever mine to discover eachothers life's
G: Promises you will keep through the eternity of my coiled ring
B: But only I could ever say, something to fix you in every way
B,G: And only you could sing this song, since my heart's allready gone

(Music Interlude)

Verse 3:
B: And I'm on one knee
G: I can barely breath
B,G: So then you tell me...

Chorus:
B,G: That your forever is forever mine to discover eachothers life's
B,G: Promises you will keep through the eternity of my coiled ring
B,G: But only I could ever say, something to fix you in every way
B,G: And only you could sing this song, since my heart's allready gone

Half of My Heart- John Mayer

2010-05-11T19:58:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9iYqf4V0ZlU

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been
then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that I can't keep loving you
oh, with half of my heart

I was made to believe i'd never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
lonely was the song I sang, 'til the day you came
showing me a better way and all that my love can bring

oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that I can't keep loving you
oh, with half of my heart
with half of my heart

your faith is strong
but I can only fall short for so long
time will hold, later on
you will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
but I can't stop loving you
but I can't stop loving you
but I can't stop loving you with half of my...

half of my heart
half of my heart

half of my heart's got a real good imagination
half of my heart's got you
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that half of my heart won't do

half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring
and half of my heart is the part of a man who's never really loved anything

half of my heart
half of my heart
half of my heart
half of my heart
half of my heart
half of my heart

Man That Can't be Moved- The Script

2010-05-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gS9o1FAszdk

Going Back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move
Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand
Saying, "If you see this girl can you tell her where I am?"

Some try to hand me money, they don't understand
I'm not broke I'm just a broken hearted man
I know it makes no sense but what else can I do
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you

'cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving

Policeman says, "Son you can't stay here"
I said, "There's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year"
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go

'cause If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving,
I'm not moving, I'm not moving

People talk about the guy that's waiting on a girl
There are no holes in his shoes but a big hole in his world

Maybe I'll get famous as the man who can't be moved
Maybe you wont mean to but you'll see me on the news
And you'll come running to the corner
'cause you'll know it's just for you
I'm the man who can't be moved

[Chorus 2x]

Going back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move

Break Even- The Script

2010-05-11T19:50:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Bp13TeFNrw

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.

Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh.
'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces,
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, It don't break even, no

Where Does The Good Go?-Tegan and Sara

2010-04-25T21:25:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RDdmfWsrsw

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
and how do you know when to let go
where does the good go
where does the good go

look me in the eye and tell me you dont find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me you wont go
look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love
look me in the heart and unbreak broken it wont happen

its love that leaves and breaks
the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go

where do you go when your in love and the world knows
how do you live so happily while i am sad and broken down
what do you say it's up for grabs now that your on your way down
where does the good go
where does the good go

look me in the eye and tell me you dont find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me you wont go
look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love
look me in the heart and unbreak broken it wont happen

it's love that leaves and breaks
the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go

(guitar solo)

Look me in the eye and tell me you dont find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me that you wont go
look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love
look me in the heart and unbreak broken it wont happen

its love that leaves and breaks
the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go

it's love that leaves and breaks
the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go

Self Conclusion-Spill Canvas

2010-04-23T17:04:00.000-07:00

Such a sad song. D:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RA44g2YATi4&feature=PlayList&p=EA5CD18F697CF9AD&playnext_from=PL&playnext=16&index=25

"Fade in, start the scene
Enter beautiful girl
But things are not what they seem
As we stand at the edge of the world."

Excuse me sir,
But I had plans to die tonight
Oh, and you are directly in my way
And I bet you're gonna say it's not right
My reply:
Excuse me miss,
But do you have the slightest clue
Of exactly what you just said to me
And exactly who you're talking to?

She said, "I don't care, you don't even know me."
I said, "I know but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully."
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

You make it sound so easy to be alive
But tell me how am I supposed to seize this day
When everything inside of me has died
My reply:
Trust me girl
I know your legs are pleading to leap
But I offer you this easy choice
Instead of dying, living with me

She said, "Are you crazy? You don't even know me."
I said, "I know but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully."
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough
And all this cliche motivation, it could never be enough
I could stand here all night trying to convince you
But what good would that do? My offer stands and you must choose

"All right, you win, but I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than my attempt at flight
I swear to God if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you'll never see it coming."
"Settle precious, I know what you're going through
Cause ten minutes before you got here I was gonna jump too."

Yeah we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

Maybe-Secondhand Serenade

2010-04-18T13:30:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j86sdI6n5Uo&feature=PlayList&p=624BDCD8F1B20D8A&playnext_from=PL&playnext=2&index=1

Didn't you wanna hear
the sound of all the places we could go?
Do you fear
the expressions on the faces we don't know?
It's a cold, hard road when you wake up,
and I don't think that I have the strength
to let you go.

Maybe it's just me.
Couldn't you believe that everything I said and did
wasn't just deceiving?
And the tear in your eye,
and your calm, hard face
makes me wish that I was never brought into this place.

There goes my ring,
it might as well have been shattered.
And I'm here to sing
about the things that mattered.
About the things that made us feel alive for oh so long.
About the things that kept you on my side when I was wrong.

Maybe it's just me.
Couldn't you believe that everything I said and did
wasn't just deceiving?
And the tear in your eye,
and your calm, hard face
makes me wish that I was never brought into this place.

And someday, I promise I'll be gone.
And someday, I might even sing this song to you.
I might even sing this song to you.
To you, to you, to you...
And I was crying alone tonight,
and I was wasting all of my life
just thinking of you.
So just come back,
we'll make it better.
So just come back,
I'll make it better than it ever was.
I'll make it better than it ever was.

Maybe it's just me.
Couldn't you believe that everything I said and did
wasn't just deceiving?
And the tear in your eye,
and your calm, hard face
makes me wish that I was never brought into this place.

(I want it all, don't leave right now.
I'll give you everything.)

Maybe it's just me.
Couldn't you believe that everything I said and did
wasn't just deceiving?
And the tear in your eye,
and your calm, hard face makes me wish
that I was never brought into this place.
Maybe it's just me

Your Call-Secondhand Serenade

2010-04-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQTrHj46ZQE&feature=PlayList&p=624BDCD8F1B20D8A&playnext_from=PL&index=0&playnext=1

Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry
call I'm desperate for your voice
Listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Cause every breath that you will take
when you are sitting next to me
will bring life into my deepest hopes, What's your fantasy?
(What's your, what's your, what's your...)

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home
x4
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

When nothing else is true, here I am still tangled up in you

2010-04-18T12:43:00.000-07:00

(Tangled up in You-Staind)
No one is ever content with what they have. Once they have it in their hands, they find even more things that are wrong with it. Maybe its inside us to desire perfection because that is the way we were meant to be created. Perfect.
Websters dictionary defines it as this: being entirely without fault or defect, or satisfying all requirements.
So would an old table with scratches and dents be considered perfect even though the owner wouldn't trade it for the world or is it just that the owner doesn't care for perfection? Or, in their eyes, flaws are the equivalent to perfection?
So, do we all desire perfection or do some of us made to be okay with the little things?
If the world was perfect, what would we learn? Some say you don't know the feeling of getting up, until you fall down. Some, just stop trying to get up...
Some, say they have no regrets because those bad decisions are what made them who they are today. I wonder if those same people would call their life perfect. I know for me, I would never call my life perfect, but I wouldn't change any of the dings, scratches, and ink stains. I view them as my battle scars, and wear them proudly.
Will it get worse? Oh, I know it. I haven't been through anything yet, but when it happens, I will be ready. Even when there is no one beside me to help me through, there is one thing I will forever trust in and that is my relationship with Jehovah. That is the only friendship, I now have learned, that I can be 100% confident in... Well, until I get married, but that's at least 10 years from now. ;)
So, hope you enjoyed my little rant. Peace out homies.

Something Sweet

2010-04-08T15:21:00.000-07:00

I wrote this song last night... Don't ask.

Verse 1:
Breath caught
In the thought
Of who you think me to be
So deserving
Somehow worthy
OF being reflected with you
Head spins
Churning within
And I am missing terribly
All that I was and true

Bridge:
But you never said
What's inside your head?
And you will never see
All that you ever meant to me

Chorus:
Because all I know
That this has been done before
And all it shows
That I want to be forever yours
But what is forever
When there is never
Only tomorrow will tell
The length of a broken spell
So if you can just pretend
You don't know why my heart sends...

Verse 2:
You see
So instantly
My tripping through the front door
Broken smile
Oh stay awhile
Just say what I mean to you
I spin
Grin within
Broken foot better before
Worried now so terribly true

(Bridge)x1
(Chorus)x1

Verse 3:
Something sweet will come along
Sooner or later you'll be gone
So I pass the time
Staring in your eyes
Counting down the days
For your heart to race
I measure me down
You bring me high
Tears of no sound
You wave goodbye
And so it goes
So I've been told...

(Chorus)x1

Secret Satisfaction (Song by me)

2010-04-06T16:41:00.000-07:00

Don't ask me how, but I listened to Scott Stapp's two new songs he released and I was inspired to write this. If you haven't checked out his songs, look them up now! Don't even finish reading this... Why are you still reading?! Look them up! http://www.scottstapp.wordpress.com/
Okay, if your done. Check out the "inspired" song below. PLEASE comment on it!!!

Verse 1:
Walking in circles around my bed
Playing and singing in my head
Mocking every move I make
As if yours were better
Your words, sincerely fake
Sealed a stamped letter
Filled with things I'll never say
Not like you'd here it anyway

Bridge:
Heart's were meant to be broken
Rules that matter left unspoken
Heart races around my wounds
Whispering the most evil tunes

Chorus:
Now I sit here wondering
What went wrong with everything?
Bent and twisted at the core
Everything in me left so unsure.
Crooked smile dancing around
Your face hides no satisfaction now
As you leave me here to bleed

Verse 2:
Sleeping with things stated blank
Thought of you and my heart sank
I know thoughts matter none
When actions are all you see
But when the day is fully done
Guilt and regret is filled in me
And there are things I will never say
Change the one thing that will stay

Bridge:
Heart's were meant to be broken
Rules that matter left unspoken
Heart races around my wounds
Whispering the most evil tunes

Chorus:
Now I sit here wondering
What went wrong with everything?
Bent and twisted at the core
Everything in me left so unsure.
Crooked smile dancing around
Your face hides no satisfaction now
As you leave me here to bleed

Verse 3:
I used to think you were
Inspiration to all I sing
But that was all before
I learned my own song

Chorus:
Now I sit here figuring
You went wrong with everything?
Bent and twisted at the core
Everything in you left so unsure.
Crooked smile dancing around
My face hides no satisfaction now
As I leave you here to bleed

What do you call it?

2010-04-04T21:19:00.001-07:00

Someone very special wrote this about me. I hope you enjoy.

Call it rain on a sunny day,walking barefoot in the dew
Compare it to the wind-something so invisible,
But effects the world so completely
Call it the innocence you never outgrow
The most beautiful unreachable thing you've ever seen,
Like sunlight filtering through the clouds,
Reminding you of a hope you forgot
Call it the saltiness of your tears,
mingling with the taste of the ocean on your lips,
A glimmer of how things should be,
as delicate as a rose petal brushing your tears away,
as they form rivers down your cheek,
But I call her BriAnne

Give Me a Sign-Breaking Benjamin

2010-03-13T12:44:00.000-08:00

Dead star shine
Light up the sky
I'm all out of breath
My walls are closing in
Days go by
Give me a sign
Come back to the end
The shepherd of the damned

I can feel you falling away

No longer the lost
No longer the same
And I can see you starting to break
I'll keep you alive
If you show me the way
Forever – and ever
The scars will remain
I'm falling apart
Leave me here forever in the dark

Daylight dies
Blackout the sky
Does anyone care?
Is anybody there?
Take this life
Empty inside
I'm already dead
I'll rise to fall again

I can feel you falling away

No longer the lost
No longer the same
And I can see you starting to break
I'll keep you alive
If you show me the way
Forever – and ever
The scars will remain
I'm falling apart
Leave me here forever in the dark

God help me I've come undone
Out of the light of the sun
God help me I've come undone
Out of the light of the sun

I can feel you falling away

No longer the lost
No longer the same
And I can see you starting to break
I'll keep you alive
If you show me the way
Forever – and ever
The scars will remain

Give me a sign
There's something buried in the words
Give me a sign
Your tears are adding to the flood
Just give me a sign
There's something buried in the words
Give me a sign
Your tears are adding to the flood
Just give me a sign
There's something buried in the words
Give me a sign
Your tears are adding to the flood

Forever – and ever
The scars will remain

What is Mine

2010-03-11T18:24:00.000-08:00

Wrote this song about one of my favorite movies, and now book, The Notebook. Hope you enjoy.

Verse 1:
B: Do you miss my heart beat
beating so closely to yours?
As the fire fuels the heat
passion flows through our pores.

Bridge 1:
B: Never accepted the loss of forever
Yes, I always meant to be together
And I will fight till your death
If only to steal one last kiss

Chorus:
B: Memories flood in your mind
G: Find reasons for those kind eyes
B: Age makes your beauty more defined
Take you in my arms
G: I embrace what is mine
B: Yeah I don't mean you harm
G: But were all out of time

Verse 2:
G: Conflicted by all my emotions
When everything inside me churns
Try to stay true to my devotion
But the thought of you burns

Bridge 1:
G: Loss of the world I once knew
Please explain, who are you?
The care displayed overwhelms me
Once in awhile, I will see

(Chorus)x2

Outro:
G: So here you are
B: Your in my arms
BG: And now I am home

I Wanna Be There For You. Someone You Can Come to

2010-03-10T16:23:00.000-08:00

(There For You-Flyleaf)
People are full of surprises, good and bad. You can think someone is arrogant and then find out they are the most humble person you have ever met. Then you can meet someone who you think is loving and caring only to find they are selfish jerks...
As you have learned, whether its knowing me or reading the description of myself, I am a big heart that loves and cares without a second thought. That causes me to end up loving the wrong people and getting my heart broken.
So next person that comes along and deserves my trust doesn't get it, because I am too scared to make myself vulnerable again.
Of course there is a happy medium but when I know I'm not giving all of what they deserve, I feel guilty...
Sorry peeps, just felt like ranting a little. I guess it just remains the same...
The more I put my heart out, the less able I am to trust. Simple as that. Too bad this wont stop me from doing it again.

Never Ready

2010-03-09T16:13:00.000-08:00

Wrote this song out of my butt earlier. I sent it to a few people and they liked it so hope everyone else does.

The pain on your face yeah, it kills
kicks me in the gut, I feel the guilt
Please just whisper to me as you hold
Only you can stop the cold

And I hate that every thought I have leads to you
And how every sight is every breath I dont use
I know I have no right to complain
Your the only one that kept me sane

So yell, scream
Tell me that you hate me
Now say, stay
Forgive my broken ways
Yeah, I know
It's time for me to go
But I was never ready to let you go

The emotional wreck yeah, that's me
So I need to sort it through, you see
You have your own life to see through
Lets just try saying the truth

And I hate that every thought I have leads to you
And how every sight is every breath I dont use
I know I have no right to complain
Your the only one that kept me sane

So yell, scream
Tell me that you hate me
Now say, stay
Forgive my broken ways
Yeah, I know
It's time for me to go
But I was never ready to let you go

Misconceptions of two lovers
Now alone without each other
Any trust was scared away
You have all the right to say...

So yell, scream
Tell me that you hate me
Now say, stay
Forgive my broken ways
Yeah, I know
It's time for me to go
But I was never ready to let you go

Dear Agony-Breaking Benjamin

2010-03-02T20:04:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch#playnext=1&playnext_from=TL&videos=pmapKq4Qe78&v=IbPuTwo1bxs

If you don't cry watching this then you have no soul... Feel free to post a comment.

I have nothing left to give
I have found the perfect end
You were made to make it hurt
Disappear into the dirt
Carry me to heaven's arms
Light the way and let me go
Take the time to take my breath
I will end where I began

And I will find the enemy whithin
Because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Dear Agony

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

Suddenly
The lights go out
Let forever
Drag me down
I will fight for one last breath
I will fight until the end

And I will find the enemy within
Because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
http://www.elyricsworld.com/dear_agony_lyrics_breaking_benjamin.html
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

Leave me alone
God let me go
I'm blue and cold
Black sky will burn
Love pull me down
Hate lift me up
Just turn around
There's nothing left

Somewhere far beyond this world
I feel nothing anymore

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

I feel nothing anymore

Hate Me-Blue October

2010-03-02T20:02:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDxgSvJINlU

I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, and a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, will you never call again?
And will you never say that you loved me, just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so f*cking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling, "Make it go away," just make a smile
Come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered, "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you.
For You
For You
For You

And Then I Try To Say, Just Hold On

2010-02-13T12:28:00.000-08:00

(Away From Me-The Max Regret)
Why is it that people turn to music for comfort? I can't speak for everyone when I say this, but for me I have two reasons:
1.) Its because you don't have to think. Your body gets lost in the beat of the drums and the guitar melodies; your lips to the sweet lyrics.
2.) Its that, or you can relate. Because the worst feeling in the world is feeling like you are alone with no one to understand you. Music tells you, "It's ok. I know it's bad right now but you get through it. They will get through it..."
What cause me to write this blog entry? Well, yesterday was... hard. I was scared and worried and pretty much in tears most of the day. But with the help of some friends and an awesome night of music, I'm in a better mood.
Number one was basically my night last night. I discovered these new bands:
1.) Fell Through
2.) Run Silhouette
3.) Hello Drama
4.) Rust
5.) The Max Regret
Feel free to look up any of these bands. They all are amazing and are far from amateur! Okay, maybe they are a little but they are still awesome musicians and I am sticking to that. I even got a The Max Regret t-shirt last night.
*hugs self with shirt on*
You wouldn't believe how nerdy we all were after the concert. We were looking over at the band and we were all, "Should we go over? I don't want to look stupid." -especially sense two of us actually had Max Regret shirts-
So, finally we went over and they were so cool! They were telling US than you cause they saw all of us right up front jumping around to their music!
*Us after* "They were so cool! Did you see him talk to me! And the base player gave me a hug! I love them!" XD
So after Alicia, Andrea, Thad, Brandon, Anthony, and I chilled at Dennys. Did you know that it was Anthony's first time!? Crazy. So, got home, crashed till eleven, and now I'm listening to the band's music.
So, what should you take from this?
1.) Chain Reaction is an awesome place to discover bands.
2.) You can find comfort in music.
3.) And Anthony has only been to Dennys once!
Lmao. Peace out!

Those Were The Best Days Of My Life

2010-02-12T10:23:00.000-08:00

(Summer 69'-Bryon Adams)
How do you begin to describe the best day of your life? Is it the day you become a man? The day you realize how hard you fell for the one you love? The day you were able to stand up and defend your opinions no matter what the price? Your first kiss, concert, sleepover, or award received? How can you go through all those days and choose your absolute favorite?
It seems like a mind boggling choice, yes? But I think a favorite day should have some guidelines. So this is what I came up with:
1.) No regrets. Not a single one.
2.) You feel secure, safe, and untouchable.
3.) Its a day that you can live over and over again and never get sick of.
4.) Some kind of revelation was made that defines everything you did after that.
5.) following along with the last one, makes you better somehow.
So, that's just been on my mind and I felt like sharing it with everyone. Whats the best day of my life? Well, that's for me to know, and you to find out.

I worry I won't see your face light up again

2010-01-23T14:00:00.000-08:00

(Collide-Howie Day)
My greatest fear? Not being able to help the ones I love, or worse, being the cause of their pain...
I got a card from my best friend Alysha the other day, accompanied with another card from my Aunt Katie and a mixed CD. I cried for a good half hour. Why?:
1.) I miss them more than words can explain and quite frankly, If I had one wish at that moment it would to be there with them.
2.) I have actually been a positive influence. I am holding up my best friend and its because of my love for her that she is still here. Okay, not ALL because of me but a pretty big part of it.
I hate it when I can't help and just sit back being useless so hearing that I am actually doing something... It's a great feeling. Especially when its someone who is so dear to me as Alysha. AKA, the most beautiful person you will ever meet.
Even if she wasn't my best friend and cousin, I would do everything in my power to save this special person because she is THAT worth saving.
You know what's sad? I can sit around and talk for hours on end how much she has done for me and how unique and amazing she is and she wont believe it. Even worse, she will claim I am better than her! But how could I ever be better than the person that made me better?
Yeah, I can't and I don't care that I can't since that position rightfully belongs to her and anyone else would be complete imbeciles to think otherwise.
So in a nut shell? I love you Alysha. Thanks for letting me be there for you. You know I always will.

You with the sad eyes Don't be discouraged Oh I realize It's hard to take courage

2010-01-17T12:55:00.000-08:00

(True Colors-Phil Collins)
Its a great thing when you have helped a friend in need and knowing that persistence and care actually paid off in the long run. The best part? Knowing that you actually helped them through a hard part in their lives and that they plan on making you part of their future.
Okay, that may sound weird but since Friday night, I've kinda been on a high from it. It was a very big relief to find out that I actually wasn't being a pest, just a good caring friend.
See, the person that I'm talking about, well... sometimes has this look about him that he is just counting down the seconds for the conversation to be over, and then other times is hanging on my next word... Very confusing.
Also knowing that this person acts like himself to scare people away, but that I keep coming back and saying, "Hi, how are you?" Even when he was acting like a total jerk, made me even more comfused.
"Is he acting like himself because he views me as a friend or trying to give me a hint to leave?"
So, again, it was comforting to learn that he did, in fact, view me as a friend... Fancy that.
OH! And the absolute best part?! It could not be more platonic if I tried! There would be a better chance of me and... I dont even know, but you get the point. Yes? Okay, well that's about the most exciting thing happening in my life... Whoop-de-do.

Get so caught up everyday trying to keep it all together while the time it slips away. You see I know nothing lasts forever....

2010-01-04T16:36:00.000-08:00

(Tell You Something-Alicia Keys)
Ah. First Blog entry of the new year! I'm not sure if I'm actually excited about that...
This past year, well... It's had it's ups and downs. More downs than ups but whatever. I'll live. So even though this past year has been filled with miss-communication, pain, and a whole lot of "please just let me bury myself in a hole and die" moments, I wouldn't trade them for better ones.
Yeah, I know, sounds like I have officially lost my mind but you know what? I have learned so much this past year, why would I trade knowledge for ignorance?
Let us recap, yes?:
1.) Don't assume, and more specifically, don't assume someone's personality will always be the same. Bringing me to my next point:
2.) People change. Whether it's for the better or worse, don't fight it, embrace it.
3.) Love. Wow have I learned a lesson in that! Once you love someone and they break your heart, it takes awhile to get over it, but the sooner you accept that love, the sooner the healing process can begin.
4.) Yeah, I know very unoriginal but still true: Don't change yourself for others. I know at this age its almost impossible to tell what or who you are but just keep in mind who you want to be, and I promise you will get there.
5.) The biggest thing I learned? There will always be someone who cares. At times you feel like digging yourself in a whole and never coming out because in your mind your thinking, "Will anyone even care if I never come out? What if a bus came right at this moment and killed me? Would anyone come to my funeral?" Well, sorry to break it to you but yes, people will come because no matter how little you think of yourself, there will always be at least one person who thinks the entire world of you and will go to the ends of the earth, just to see you smile. :)
So, what to expect of this year, hmm...
I expect to learn just as much, if not more this year. Again, I'm human, I make mistakes and I'm sorry when I do. But at the same time, I'm learning to stand up for myself and how I feel because even if it seems over exaggerated to someone else, I know it's important to me.
Like you here people say, "One mans trash is another mans treasure."(I'm fortunate to have friends who understand this concept so thank you)
Well, I guess you guys get the point. Hope you enjoyed my little summed up revelations. Bye.

P.S. Before I forget, I've realized how much I want to travel Europe! Well, I have always wanted to go but just recently I have realized how much I sincerely would love to! Places I want to visit: Italy, France, Spain, Greece, Ireland, Germany, and Norway.... Okay, that might take more than one trip but that's all right. I have time. I mean, I'm only 15. Lol.

How He Asked

2010-01-02T14:24:00.001-08:00

Just wrote a poem for Alexandria and Christopher. It's about how Chris proposed to her on top of the Santa Monica ferris wheel. Hope you enjoy!

Your hands become clammy,
Your mouth drys,
Your here with his family,
He's giving you that look, and you have no idea why
The sunset is beautiful,
The air is thin and crisp,
Butterfly's make your heart full,
As he presses up against your lips.
He asks if you love him,
and of course you do.
Would you spend forever with him,
Because he wants to.
Feeling on top of the world,
Everything stops,
His hands under yours uncurl,
As he gets in front of you your heart drops.
He's on one knee,
Ring in hand,
You become filled with glee,
As his smile becomes grand,
He asks if you will marry him,
It only takes a second to ask,
Because in less than that,
You have already said yes!

Sad eyes follow me, but I still believe there's something left for me

2009-12-30T17:38:00.000-08:00

(One Last Breath-Creed)
This past week has been one filled with joy, which is a nice break from what I have been through recently. We visited some old friends last week over in Diamond Bar. I have always loved visiting there. It's hard not to have a blast when your with the Norwegians!
Just the whole warm atmosphere relaxes you and invigorates you at the same time. Its my little heaven on Earth; that little place where you can forget all your anxieties and just breath...
So, while we visited our friends, I also got to see someone I haven't seen in over three years. Yes, our little Mathias. Although he has gotten taller, and thinner, doesn't mean his personality has changed.
Then, I got to meet August, Alexandria's brother. He is very shy but once he gets out of his shell, there is no telling what that boy will do!
Okay, before I go on, I have to clarify who is who. Try and follow along, kay?
Tom married a Norwegian, Lisalotte. They then had two kids, Chanette and Christopher. Chanette married Victor, and they had a baby in September named Isalette. Christopher and Alexandria, a gorgeous Norwegian who is really sweet, are engaged!!! *dances*
Alexandria and August are brother and sister. Mathias is Chanette's and Christophers cousin.
Everyone clear now? Good.
So I got to spend two nights with these amazing people and wow, was it crazy!!! See, there is this horrible yet amazing game that we play with them every time we see them.
High Card, Low Card. A more advanced and scary version of truth or dare. Why? Because Victor plays, and he plays dirty. He plays with one goal: Leave no man alive. Because of embarrassment and personal reasons, I will not disclose exactly who did what, but basically...
There was licking hummus off of peoples toes, dancing, drinking sock water, eating raw eggs, smelling peoples arm pits, licking things off peoples heads, and what would a game of High Card Low Card be without anyone doing drinking games?
(Dont worry, I touched no alcohol)
But besides the games, the food, and the associating, I was still able to learn a few things.
1) Don't have a Norwegian teenage boy as your Scrabble partner. You will fail.
2) Guys should not be wearing tighty-whities. That's gross.
3) Trying to explain how unattractive being a man whore is to a couple of Norwegian teenage boys is like trying to teach a horse how to speak. All you will get is "Nay"
Okay, well, maybe that's not EXACTLY what I learned. Lol. I guess there is nothing new I learned, just reminders I needed is all.
Like how everything turns out alright in the end. You just have to keep your eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel. That's what this family did and look!
They have the most beautiful grand-daughter and their son is marrying a gorgeous Norwegian girl!
So, yeah, you will get those bumps and scraps, but it doesn't require a doctor every time. You put a band-aid on and go back out to play. And fancy that! You end up having a great time with friends!
So besides that? Lets see... I broke my tooth in half for the second time on Monday by running into a sliding glass door. First time my brother broke my tooth over four years ago by throwing a Canadian coin at me. The stupid thing dried out, hit my head, and what do you know! A broken tooth!
Luckily it will be fixed before I go on Christopher's and Alexandria's engagement photo shoot tomorrow. Can't wait! See ya!

Full Circle-Creed

2009-12-24T13:19:00.000-08:00

Got your freedom now boy
Who do you serve
Took for granted what you, should have preserved
No time left, no time left, to make amends
Keep burning bridges while you're buying your new friends
A day of reflection hits, you're a shell, skin and bones, counting costs
Is it worth your soul
A day of reflection hits

It's funny how times can change, rearrange and distance makes
The pain fade away
So important then, doesn't matter now
Both feet on the ground
Come full circle, yeah, come full circle

No access granted now boy, you've been denied
Jump a fence to see what's on the other side
Are you wanted, are you wanted
The question is, could second chances mean another impression
A day of reflection hits, your you're a shell, skin and bones, counting costs
Is it worth your soul
A day of reflection hits

It's funny how times can change, rearrange, and distance makes
The pain fade away
So important then, doesn't matter now
Both feet on the ground
Come full circle, we've come full circle

I got one foot stuck in heaven, yeah
One boot stuck in hell
I looked at God, he winked at me
I made this mess myself
Don't be surprised and don't deny
Hear every word I say
Close the door and don't look back or you will fade away

It's funny how times can change, rearrange and distance makes
The pain fade away

It's funny how times can change, rearrange and distance makes
The pain fade away
So important then, doesn't matter now
Both feet on the ground
Come full circle, full circle, come full circle
We have come, full circle

Her early leaf's a flower, but only for an hour.

2009-12-23T17:12:00.000-08:00

(Nothing Gold Can Stay-Robert Frost)
I have been contemplating seasons and the connections I have with each of them. So this is what I came up with:
When you think of summer, you think of long nights with friends, beach trips and, of course, summer love. The sweet innocent love spell that seems to get released into the air every year.
It's all about living in the moment and enjoying every second of it. Not knowing what will happen tomorrow and not ever being quite sure of what just happened. It can become very intoxicating.
Then there is autumn: the after effects of summer. That's when reality sets in. Your going back to school with all your summer adventures becoming a distant memory. But there is some beauty in it all.
There is that subtle confidence and hope that's in the air that you are hanging on to with every fiber of your being because if you don't hold on to that, then what is there left to hold on to?
That's when you become hurt, feeling more alone than ever before in your life because anything and everything reminds you of "that summer" and how nothing can ever live up to that.
And even worse, maybe some of the things you did will never be lived down after living in those summer moments.
But what happens with winter? Well, what do people do when they get cold? That's right, get closer.
You start to feed of of the warmth of those around you; making you extremely close to the people you should have been close with during autumn.
Sometimes, its the people you met in autumn that you get close with and realize how much you can care about them.
Then, the snow starts to melt and spring comes. It's quite boring, actually. Its just the result of being so close that whole winter season. So, now you have friends to help you endure the next season, summer, to help you stay in check and remember the consequences summer can bring.
Strangely enough, I have to say autumn is my favorite. Well, maybe not my favorite, but I guess you can say I have spent a lot of time living in autumn. I guess that has to do with being a teenager. Not sure. Anyways, hope you enjoyed my little rant.

Must Have Done Something Right - Relient K

2009-12-23T16:53:00.000-08:00

Okay, this song is beyond cute. Its even better with the music. Hope you enjoy!

Must Have Done Something Right

We should get jerseys 'cause we make a good team
But yours would look better than mine 'cause you're out of my league

And I know that it's so cliched to tell you that everyday
I spend with you is the new best day of my life
And everyone watching us just turns away with disgust
This jealously, they can see that we've got it going on

I'm racking my brain for a new improved way
To let you know, you're more to me than what I know how to say
You're okay with the way this is going to be
'Cause this is going to be the best thing we've ever seen

If anyone could make me a better person, you could
All I gotta say is I must have done something good
You came along one day and you rearranged my life
All I gotta say is I must have done something right
I must have done something right

And maybe I'm just lucky 'cause it's hard to believe
Believe that somebody like you'd end up with someone like me

And I know that it's so cliched to talk about you this way
But I'll push all my inhibitions aside
It's so very obvious to everyone watching us
That we have got something real good going on

I'm racking my brain for a new improved way
To let you know, you're more to me than what I know how to say
You're okay with the way this is going to be
'Cause this is going to be the best thing we've ever seen

If anyone could make me a better person, you could
All I gotta say is I must have done something good
You came along one day and you rearranged my life
All I gotta say is I must have done something right
I must have done something right

If anyone could make me a better person, you could
All I gotta say is I must have done something good
You came along one day and you rearranged my life
All I gotta say is I must have done something right

If anyone could make me a better person, you could
All I gotta say is I must have done something good
You came along one day and you rearranged my life
All I gotta say is I must have done something right

I must have done something right
I must have done something right
I must have done something right

I'm a satellite heart, lost in the dark.

2009-12-16T16:16:00.000-08:00

(Anya Marina)
So some of you are probably wondering why I changed my blog title. Well, here's the thing. It was based off a quote I can no longer agree with:
"Trusting in the unpredictable has the most beautiful consequences."
(And I swear, if I heard one more person open there wretched mouths to make fun of it yet again I was going to shoot something. Yeah I liked it and I am well aware you dont. So now that your opinion is out there, I would really appreciate you shutting your face since you have absolutely no idea how I feel and what connections I have with it.)
So yeah go ahead and trust in something completely unstable and unreliable and see how beautiful you think it is after. I can guarantee you, it wont be.
It's a completely worldly philosophy that I refuse to accept now. Instead, the title Satellite Heart is a lot more fitting. I'm roaming around in space, so far away from everything, but I am slowly finding my way back.
So I guess that's what I will be typing about from now on. My journey back from the lost dark space that tried to engulf me but failed.
No, it hasn't failed I'm still out there and can be thrown off course with a simple blow of the wind.
But luckily I have found a life line and I am holding on to that rope for dear life. Sometimes I slip and the blackness covers it up so I can start to loose faith that its there. All I have to do is keep telling my self to reach forward, just a few more steps and it will be there; waiting for me to grab a hold of it.
But wait, sometimes there is more than one rope I can grab on to. Sometimes they look identical.
What will happen? Will they both lead me to the same place? Has the dark abyss falsely put out a rope for me so I can just be dragged back? That leaves me closing my eyes and hoping I picked the right one.
Then I realize too late that the rope I was putting all my faith in to save me was actually a snake; biting the lethal venom into my skin, its fangs nearly hitting the bone, to make me weary and unaware of my surroundings.
Thank you to those you have snapped me out of my weariness and helped me find the right rope. This time, I am positive I have grabbed a hold of the right one. I just hope I can keep it in my grasp of long enough to see the light, that I know is there, at the end of the tunnel.

Sattelite Heart-Anya Marina

2009-12-16T16:12:00.000-08:00

So pretty/so smart
Such a waste of a young heart!
What a pity / what a sham
What's the matter with you, man?

Don't you see it’s wrong/ can't you get it right?
Out of mind and outta sight
Call on all your girls, don't forget the boys
Put a lid on all that noise!

I’m a satellite heart/ lost in the dark
I’m spun out so far/ you stop, I start
But I'll be true to you

I hear you're living out of state, running in a whole new scene
They say i haven't slept in weeks, you're the only thing i see

I'm a satellite heart/ lost in the dark
I’m spun out so far/ you stop, I start
But I'll be true to you
I’m a satellite heart/ lost in the dark
I’m spun out so far/ you stop I start
But I'll be true to you no matter what you do/ yeah I’ll be true to you

Time will Tell what we will be but time in thus has become my enemy.

2009-12-08T19:19:00.000-08:00

(Anonymous)
The day I turned fifteen, I wrote a blog entry about how I am starting to learn right and wrong. That once you establish this fact, then all you have to do is follow through. I am starting to see that is a greater task then I would have ever expected. This is because we have this wretched thing that although its only motive is to keep you happy, it only helps in the short run. What am I talking about?
The heart.
See, the heart is irrational and immature. It tricks you in to thinking your the exception and not the rule. Then your logic takes revenge on your heart and breaks it; beats it down so it will never have the hope of rising again. And good riddance!
I have been reading over my older blog entries and it makes me sad. I remember that girl. I remember having the summer of my life with the people I love. I remember being nervous as heck to sing at my parents anniversary and my first day as a sophomore.
It seem eons ago since those things have happened.
The title of this entry could not be more fitting. They say time heals all wounds but they never mention the ones it creates. They never mention that time is selective with its healing and may not heal them; but instead, leave the wounds open and fresh as if they were just cut so the slightest breeze will make it sting.
I am standing on the road and there are three ways I could go:
1.) I could go with my heart and go left; leading me opposite of where my mind is telling me to go.
2.) Then I could go straight; right into my own destruction.
3.) Or I could go right; where my mind has been begging me to go the whole time.
Here's the catch though. If I do choose the obviously right path(the right), then I will hurt several people that I love and care about.
But for once, I need to think what is best for me. So wish me well on my trip. I hope to see you all on the way.

Rain-Creed

2009-12-05T10:35:00.000-08:00

This is one of Creed's new songs that I absolutely love and thought you would enjoy it. :)

Rain

Can you help me out, can you lend me a hand?
It's safe to say I'm stuck again.
Trapped between this life and the light, I just can't figure out
How to make it right.
A thousand times before, I've wondered if there's something more...
Something more.

CHORUS:
I feel it's gonna rain like this for days,
So let it rain down and wash everything away.
I hope that tomorrow's sun will shine,
With every tomorrow comes another light.
I feel it's gonna rain, for days and days.
I feel it's gonna rain.

I've tried to figure out, I can't understand what it means,
To be whole again.
Trapped between the truth and the consequence.
Nothing's real, nothing's making sense.
A thousand times before, I've wondered if there's something more...
Something more.

CHORUS:
I feel it's gonna rain like this for days,
So let it rain down and wash everything away.
I hope that tomorrow's sun will shine,
I feel it's gonna rain like this, rain like this,
Rain like this.

Fall down,
Wash away my yesterdays.
Fall down,
So let this rain fall down on me.

CHORUS:
I feel it's gonna rain like this for days,
So let it rain down and wash everything away.
I hope that tomorrow's sun will shine,
I feel it's gonna rain like this, rain like this,
I feel it's gonna rain like this, rain like this,
I feel it's gonna rain like this, rain like this,
I feel it's gonna rain..

It's Funny :)

2009-12-04T16:54:00.000-08:00

This song is written about someone who used to be very close to me and I looked up to him. I didn't realize until later that he was not the right person to look up to. Someone who leaves his friends to pursue a worldly life is not someone to worry so much about. I still care about him and worry about his well being when I so obviously shouldn't. That's what this song is about. Hope you enjoy.

It's Funny :)
Verse 1:
It's funny how much you taught me
And how little you know
It's funny how strong you made me
And how weak you are
It's ironic how you left to find yourself
And now you have never been more lost

Chorus:
It's funny, funny, funny
How much I care
And it's funny, funny, funny
How little you don't
And It's quite hilarious
When you think of it
And how how you still effect me
And it's theatrical to say
...I love you...

Verse 2:
It's sad what your name means to me
And how you barely remember mine
It's sad how your always in my thoughts
And you can't seem to spare me one
It's ironic how you left us all behind
And how your now alone

(Chorus)

I trusted you to be here
I trusted you to stay
So now your gone
And I am that much better without you any way.

(Chorus)

A thousand other boys could never reach you. How could I have been the one?

2009-11-29T20:19:00.000-08:00

(Black Balloon-Goo Goo Dolls)
Hey guys. Sorry, It's been awhile. A lot has happened to me the past month. The phrase "life is like a roller coaster" comes to mind. I have been so happy I feel like jumping out of my skin but then so sad and depressed I question why I was even born.
Don't worry though. I'm... alive and that is really all I deserve to ask for. At the moment, however, I feel like some one just stabbed me in the chest just for kicks.
I have a little problem. I care about people more than they will ever care about me. No matter what they do or say, I will always care about them. Even if they barely even remember my name and are moving on to bigger and better things, I will still wonder if there okay.
It's this horrible flaw that has got me in so much trouble. But at the same time, there are those who are like me, that will l,ove me and care about me to the end. These are my real friends. But even with that, I still feel that little stab in the heart whenever I hear that persons name or see their you tube videos.
Am I pathetic? Oh yeah, no question about it. But I will find a way around it.... I think. The thing is, even as I'm writing this entry, I feel guilty. What gives me the right to complain?
A friend told me once:
'Trust me... You can only suppress the mess so much. This I know, and I may not know much, but this much is true. Thats why you need a few days to take for yourself. Replenish your well. I know you feel like you are screaming at the top of your lungs in a crowded room and no one even looks up... Yeah, I have been there....
I have felt that way my whole lifeand still am working am working on my outward appearance. It's something everyone goes through, like a right of passage....
Life seeks to condition you to be anything but yourself. And swimming up that current is as tough as nails. But I would rather struggle to be me than let life change me for the worst. I've had a lot against me and a lot with me cause I try to be me.
Even if I fall or get side tracked I still try. You fail when you refuse to get up... I know Ive felt misunderstood dozens of times....
About the undeserved sympathy you mentioned, remember. Even though you might not thinkyour life is as terrible s the person next to you, but everyone processes their suffering differently and copes with it in different measures....
I'm so glad you are grateful for what you do have. Always yearning for the other side of the fence is a foul disposition. But try not to see yourself through through human eyes. They have jaded gages and cant compose a thought beyond their eyes.
Anyone that sizes you up in an instant and disregards or dismisses you isn't worth your hearts worry. Your bomb.com. Don't let anybody tell you different."
I can't even tell you how many times I have read this. Whenever I am feeling insecure, I just read this and light up. (like just now)
If only everyone had friends like mine. Quite frankly, I'm not sure what I would do with out them. Die perhaps? Yeah, that sounds right. Okay, well I'm done now. See ya!

Those who find happieness in the sun have never danced in the rain.

2009-10-20T16:02:00.000-07:00

(Anonymous)
Sorry I haven't posted anything in awhile. One, I have no time. Two, there is nothing to write about. Yeah, I have had a life, but I'm not going to make you read about Jimmy and Susy at recess making fun of me or some other petty teenage girl crap.
I'm sick and have been sick sense Saturday. I guess I had too much fun taking pics on the sidelines at my High Schools football game on Friday.
I have actually been having a lot of dreams lately about Georgia and going back. Symptoms of homesickness I guess.
There's one show, Bones, one of my favorites, that I always watch. The relationship between Brennan and Booth cracks me up. It makes me laugh because of how good they are for each other.
Brennan shows the need to be logical and Booth shows her how to loosen up.
I'm starting to notice the difference in great couples and failed couples. Most people try to find someone with the same interests as them, and while that is important, it isn't the most important.
About a month ago I was talking to a friend who is married and just had his first kid. He told me that he knew she was the one because he was able to put aside his pride and admit he was wrong.
My uncle, has a hard time showing his emotions but when he is with his wife, he can put down that barrier and let her in.
One of my guy friends, who shall remain nameless, is always acting like he's forty. But when he is with HER, he can act like a little kid again.
Are you seeing all the connections? The guy is able to put aside a major flaw that he has and change for her. Couples are supposed to learn from each other not be each other. Another reason teenage relationships end up failing.
They are too busy trying to find their clone instead of their match. Well, that's all I really have to say. See ya.

My New Blog

2009-10-03T20:28:00.000-07:00

Hey Peeps. I just started a new blog for the book I am writing called "Trust Me." I have the first two chapters posted already so be sure to follow it! Thanks!
The link is: http://trustme-beautiful-concequence.blogspot.com/

Clocks-Coldplay

2009-10-03T18:37:00.000-07:00

This has to be my official favorite song. I never really listened to the lyrics. It's a very beautiful song. It has so much meaning in it. I really understand the beauty of the song....

Clocks
The lights go out and I can't be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
Have brought me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead singing

Come out of things unsaid
Shoot an apple off my head
And a trouble that can't be named
A tiger's waiting to be tamed singing

You are
You are

Confusion never stops
Closing walls and ticking clocks
Gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop that you now know singing

Come out upon my seas
Cursed missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure?
Or am I part of the disease? Singing

You are
You are
You are
You are

You are
You are

And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares

You are
You are

Home, home where I wanted to go
Home, home where I wanted to go
Home, home where I wanted to go
Home, home where I wanted to go

"I realized that before I try and change the world, I need to change myself first."

2009-09-29T18:15:00.000-07:00

(Scott-Creed)
Wow, it's been awhile since I have typed... Sorry. I have been very busy. Things are looking up! One thing is that I am covering varsity football and cross-country in the newspaper!
I don't really care about the latter but I am stoked to be covering football! I have to do all this research on the teams stats because I wasn't into it last year.
The other thing is that I went to the Creed concert last night! They were amazing!!! Staind just owned of course and I discovered a new band called Lo-Pro.
It's a dumb name, I know but it's a cross between 30 Seconds to Mars and Chester from Linkin Park. And something else but I can't put my finger on it.
Well, Yesterday was insane. I had to take the two bus's to meet Alicia at a restaurant. While I was waiting for the 2nd bus, this old man started hitting on me.
He was asking what bus I was taking, what book I was reading, what high school I went to. Then he said something to the effect of, "You should be a model after your done with school. Your really pretty."
Can you say gross? I talked to Alicia on the bus and told her what was going on and kept talking to her until after I got off the bus.
He was about to get off at the same stop but the bus left. He kept on smiling at me.....
*shivers* Gross.....
But the rest of the night was amazing. I saw a few people from my school there, which was weird. It was an open amphitheater so there was A LOT of pot.
Two people spilled bear on me and one person got lemonade on my Creed shirt. Yeah. Go to school with bloodshot eyes smelling like pot and beer with a band shirt on.... right.
But this was the best concert I have ever been to. I loved the adrenaline rush when you sing along to a song you know and you can feel the blood pumping in your chest.
Thinking about all the people there and why there here and what they had to do to get there. I saw people from a blind old man to an eight year old kid.
I kept on thinking if Scott (the lead singer) was thinking the same thing as he smiled at everyone in the audience. He was just so... grateful. Grateful that after he went through rehab and got his act together, we were still there cheering him on.
The title of my blog is something he said in between songs. While he was trying to change the world with his music, he forgot that he needed to save himself to.
Knowing that all these emotions and thoughts were going through his head made it that much better. Knowing that he got through it.
I was having an outer-body experience and I did not want to leave. Everything I have been doing, all the stress that I have had was just lifted off my shoulders.
All the petty things that I was worried about, like my hair, makeup, outfit, and making it to the bus on time, seems so silly now.
For once I wasn't worried about tomorrow, or dwelling on the past. For once, I was living in the present. And for those few hours, that was enough.
But sadly the night did end, because time is relentless. But not completely, since it allows us to remember those precious moments that I will treasure.
:)

Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back and never moving forward so there will never be a past...

2009-09-18T16:59:00.000-07:00

(Easier to Run-Linkin Park)
Sorry I haven't been blogging. I have been busy. School is.... okay.... I am on the newspaper staff which is awesome. I'm learning a lot about journalism and interviewing people for stories. I will most likely be covering sports!
The aid in that class looks SO much like a friend I met at the beginning of the summer when I was cleaning the Norco assembly hall. They even have the same name. O_o
I only have 2/6 classes with friends and I don't sit anywhere near them. 3/6 classes are filled with druggies, athletes, airheads, and just plain jerks. My math class is just filled with a bunch of freshman that I don't know who idolize the teacher.
I am actually getting used to being quiet. I don't talk in class and I sit by myself doing homework at lunch. I mean I love sitting by myself. I have the perfect spot where no one sees me and there is a tree for shade and a nice breeze.
After having the summer of my life with the people I love I guess going back to anything less than that would be not this summer.
Oh and if you haven't figured it out yet, I didn't get the lunch job.
(stupid little freshman!)
Yeah... Going back to school with so many memories of the previous year. It was only three months since I have been to school but I feel like a different person...
People always say that High School is the best four years of your life. I have to disagree. I think they are the most important years of your life.
You are young and vulnerable and always changing who you are. Those four years help you to mold yourself into who you are gonna be. Now you can be an idiot and get into the wrong crowd and stop loving Jehovah or you can take what you have right now and use it to love him more. Believe me when I say that the latter part is the best possible choice that you can make right now....
And if you feel the need to do the first just to get it out of your system.... well you shouldn't but if you need to fall to know what it is like to get up, then I hope you realize that there is no bottom. You just keep falling until someone throws you a life line.
Well, I'm done. Hope all is well with everyone.

Another Sun Soaked Season Fades Away (Part II)

2009-09-09T12:39:00.000-07:00

Yeah... The slumber party was a lot of fun. Daniella is a very tough pillow fighter. *winces at memories* We painted our nails and I painted mine each a different color. That looked horrible but it was funny. We stayed up until three in the morning, I mean went to bead at ten.... yeah.... right....
We went to this new beach on Monday in Laguna. Its off of Oak Street. Kinda like a local beach. It was fun until I got hit up against a rock and scraped my side and it started bleeding. I guess boogie-boarding isn't the best idea for me...
After we had everyone over for an impromptu barbecue. Al of a sudden I felt really sick and after I ate I went to go lie down. I felt really hot but with shivers and I was feeling very sick like I was gonna throw up. Then all of a sudden I started crying. It took me a sec to realize why.
Two reasons:
1.) Not enough water in my system and I swallowed a lot of salt when I was hit by the wave.
2.) I am reading a book where the girl is describing her feelings and it is a lot like how I was feeling.
This sounds weird I know. But I sometimes feel emotions in books and sometimes movies. Once when I was watching a movie and the girl had a fever I got a heat flsh and felt sick the rest of the night. Yeah, weird.
Alicia came in a half hour later and gave me some water. Deciding I was decent, I went down stairs to the backyard where they were having a little fire. I sat there looking at my friends and randomly started crying again. Not heavly, just to myself.
It hit me that I was going back to school and this was going to be over. This summer was over. I wasn't ready to let that go. So many things happened, so many people, so many realizations..... And now I had to go back to a place that will remind me of all the stupid mistakes I made last time I was there.....
A little later Maddi, Dani, and I went inside and made a list for Ethan. See, Alysha made a list for me of things to do within the next year. So Dani and I made one for Maddi and Maddi and I made one for Dani. Now all three of us made one for Ethan.
That also reminds me.... Daniella and Andrea are officially Seniors!!! Ha ha. They are old. XD.
I have basically spent the last 24 hours of my life not doing anything but eating, breathing, cleaning, and watching Party of Five.
Did I mention that Party of Five is the greatest show ever!? (aside from House, don't worry.) It came out in 94, when I was born, and is now showing reruns. I have been trying to catch up since I have come back from Georgia.
Blagh! I DON'T WANNA GO TO SCHOOL TOMOROW!!! What if I get mean teachers or I don't get my job in the lunch line or something else happens. I'm probably going to trip and hurt myself getting my books, thats a given.
I'm also getting my hair cut tonight. Two inches off, three layers, side bangs. What if it looks horrible on me! Last time I had bangs I was cute but now who knows how it will look. *wimpers* And then there is the bus schedual that sucks.
The city busses are now an hour apart and that means more waiting and more crowded buses. And Brandon is taking periods 1-6 and I'm taking 2-7. So I won't be able to see him as much. GRRR!!! My elective class better be good because that is the ONLY reason why I want to go to school!

I'm Falling Into Memories of You. Things we Used to Do....

2009-09-02T12:01:00.000-07:00

(One Year, Six Months-Yellowcard) Wow, I kinda don't know where to start.... Well, I spent the night at Maddi's on Monday and then went out in service from 7-12. I had a bad nightmare and could not go back to sleep for the life of me, and when I did I just kept on tossing and turning. I couldn't take a nap because I had registration this morning and I didn't want to be up late. Daniella and Andrea came over and we played The Racist, I mean The Mexican Train Game.
LOL. We looked over and saw a possum on the fence and Andrea literally hissed at it! The possum got so scared it ran away. We were laughing SO hard. Then Daniella and I went to the truck and layed in the bed.
I kept on thinking about a conversation I had earlier on msn... Part of getting older is not only learning about right and wrong, but then sticking to it. No matter how much I don't want to. Like the Bible says. Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no. There is no maybe. I know its for the better... in the long run. That is the only thing that is keeping me in check right now. That and a lot of prayer.....
Sorry I am being so vague, but I can't get any more specific. Don't worry, I am not doing anything that is gonna get me D.F.ed. Just enough to bother my conscience. But I fixed it. For the most part, I am guilt free.
Another part about growing up is making mistakes to learn from. Well, I have definitely learned my lesson. One thing about giving up something/someone is filling it in with something/someone else. It will never completely fill the void inside of you, but it will make it not seem so empty and desolate.....
Okay, done with that topic. I got my school schedule and locker today. I am taking p.e. ALL year instead of dance and health. GRRRRR! And my locker is just in the BEST place possible. Okay, now listen to this. It is at the bottom, on a crowded corner, with spider webs. Oh, did I mention how I have heavier bigger books this year? Oh yeah, fun. Not to mention my bad back and horrible balance.
But on the bright side, I got into an elective I REALLY wanted. Its called Multi-Media 2. I took the first course last year. Its basically teaching you about Journalism, Photoshop, and making a website but this year its going to be more advance and better because:
1.) Last year was the first year of the class so the teaching plans weren't as solid as they needed to be.
2.) They have more technology for the computers.
3.) The second course is only for Jr.'s and Seniors and I am getting it as a sophomore!!!
4.) Being in this class gives me a great chance to be on the Newspaper staff!
I got offered last year to be on the staff but my grades were too low. Did I mention how the teacher thinks I am this prodigy? (The Multi-Media teacher and the Newspaper teacher are the same person.)
Hopefully I will get to work in the lunch line too. Well, hope this year goes a lot smoother than last year. I will write later. Bye.

No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today. Whenever I see you smile at me

2009-08-31T11:49:00.000-07:00

(James Taylor-Your smiling Face.) Wow. Life has been keeping us busy. Friday, a brother from our hall came with the P.A. system for the party. My bro was playing his guitar with it when Rex asked for a preview. See, he is in a band and sings and could offer us help.
I was SO intimidated that I completely failed. I was afraid of the mic and just got scared. He told me thet I needed to listen to the guitar and that if I plan on singing like I just did then I will get "the pity clap" but if I go out there and own it, then I will be fine. That scared me since I CAN'T own my voice but the advice was appreciated.
So that night we went over there to start setting up everything we could. After when they were talking about other stuff for the next day, brandon and I made our escape and practiced with the mic. That time, I was completely in tune and sounded great. Even the rythm was right on. So I went to bed confident that my voice was going to be good enough for tomorow.
So we got up around eight and headed over to the house to do all the manual labor. Seting up the tables and umbrelas. Hanging up all the paper lanterns. Setting all the tables. cleaning up everything. Okay, it doesn't sound like a lot but there was. Not to mention California is going through a heat wave.
Whenever we had any time to practce, we did, Even if it was only for a minute. But guess what? My voice was COMPLETELY off pitch. I couldn't get it back. Alicia even had the nerve to come over and say, "Well, I am very worried about how your voice is going to turn out." Yeah, this is my present to you, sorry it sucks. I don't see you laughing at Lindsey's cake she made. UGH! Whatever.
Once people started coming it was time to be the waitress. It was Brandon, Andrea, Anthony, Jeffery, and I. Yeah, waiters, but only one waitress. And I am happy to say I only dropped one thing on my shirt and it came out with no stain. Yeah, I gots skills.
After I served my orderves, I went on with my next job. Photographer. It's fun when you have a nice camera because people don't mind taking pictures. So, the process repeated. Sere, pictures, mingle. Serve pictures, mingle. Then, when Alicia was distracted, Andrea and my brother set up a T.V. out side to play a slideshow Andrea made for them.
It had sections of each of us. First it was, "Presenting Brandon," with pics of us from when we were little Like, pictures I never even saw of us before! Brandons song was Kryptonite, Lindseys was Drift Away, and mine was Green Eyes. For those who are unaware of this fact, that is my favorite song ever. It is the only song that talks about green eyes and its by one of my favorite bands. Coldplay. Then it showed the wedding pics and he played there wedding song.
So the night went on and I was talking with Thad, and then Sarah joined us, and the Daniella. But then Rex came up and asked me if we were going to do the song. I was willing, but brandon was being weird. And then Thad encouraged us and was like, "Dude, people would flip ifyou went up there and just started playing!"
This was enough for brandon and he got ready while I was on the verge of throwing up my stomach through my nose. Befor I thought about it too much, I just did it. It was off pitch and shakey but I refused to be afraid of the mic. Right after, I went to the bathroom and went into hysterics. I was very close to puking. After I calmed myself, I went out. Thad was there to great me and gave me a big bear hug and patted me on the head and said I did great.
I knew he was lying but the thought was appreciated. Everyone was saying, "oh you did great," and "that took guts," and "you should keep singing" and blah blah blah. I guess its a good thing we had a bartender serving alcohal....
After everone left and it was just us, the leizers (the peoples house) and andrea and dani, we did some karaoke with coldplay. We were there till one in the morning and when I got home I died. The best part? Getting up the next morning to clean everything up. Fun..... Only Lindsey and I went to meating cause everyone else died.
I got home to change and leave but then I saw brandon talking on skype to the stronens! I stopped for a sec and said hi but I had to go. I felt so bad. I was getting all mad at Christopher for not putting effort inti contacting us and then when he is finnaly on skype, I'm just like, bye. So, SORRY! WE should try skype again...
Then I spent the night last nigt at Dani's, woke up, came back here to do chores and decided to blog. Well tht is the very long update of my life. Hope all is well with everyone.

Fifteen, There's Never A Wish Better Than This.

2009-08-26T22:30:00.000-07:00

Hey guys. Guess who is FINALLY 15? Yes. I am finally 15. Actually I'm not really excited about being 15, I'm just glad to be done with 14. I was thinking back to a year ago and how much I have changed. How much everything has changed... The weirdest thing is that there are people who used to be such an important part of my life and now aren't. That works the opposite too. People like Kesia and Christopher who had no part in my life are all of a sudden a huge part. Or even thinking about the people who are still here. I mean, I would have never thought that I would still be good friends with everyone over here in Cali. Not only have the people around me changed but I have too. I'm more emotionally stable for one, and I'm learning more about right and wrong. See, most teens have it in their heads that they are the exception to the rules. But guess what? We ARE the rule. Sorry, but it's true...
One of the plus sides to Cali is Disneyland. Yesterday was my B-day so I got in for free and I got an annual pass. LOL! Maddi saw Peter Pan and she spazzed out. We were talking about our future at lunch. I have it ALL figured out. Jr. Year I'm going to Cosmetology ROP class. After High School I'm going to be working in My Step-Mom's friend's salon and pioneering. Then I'm going to apply to Bethel and if I don't get in, then I will continue working to save up my money to go to where the need is greater. During this whole period of working and pioneering, I will be working towards getting my masters in English. Told you I have it figured out. :)
But besides contemplating life, we had a great time! I had a talk that night so we had to go home earlier than usual. I actually did good on my talk. I'm just glad I didn't trip and fall or something.
OH! GUESS WHAT?! I'm going to a CREED concert! And guess who is the opening band! No, guesses? Okay, it's STAIND! I was so excited I was jumping up and down and hit my elbow and fell to the ground. XD. Lets see... I also learned how to tie a tie. yeah. If you haven't noticed, the titles of my blogs are lines from songs. This one is from "100 Years." So, yeah, peace out.

"What other things that I want to say just aren't coming out right"-You and Me, Life House

2009-08-24T08:35:00.000-07:00

This weekend was... fun, I think. Saturday after service I spent the day with Alicia (for those who don't know, that would be my step-mom) helping her get everything together for there five year anniversary party. I am going to be a waitress/singer/photographer/host. Did I mention I am going to be wearing a white shirt the whole time? Oh yeah, I am bound to trip or spill something. There are 80 plus people coming to the party. What happened to "close and intimate?" After running around all day, Andrea and Daniella came over and now I think Andrea is going to sing, "You and Me" with me. But then Alicia was like, "Brandon, join in! And oh, Daniella, you can sing, join in to!" It was supposed to be Brandon on guitar, and Andrea and I with singing. Adding Brandon and Daniella's singing is just too complicated. I'm about to say forget it. I wanted to do a song, for them, from us. Since my voice sucks by itself, that wont work without Andrea. But now it looses ALL personal touch. GRRRRR!
Yes, I did just growl...
Sunday Meeting was fun. There were some special people there and that was pretty cool. Not gonna lie. After we went to the Movie's. IT WAS SO SAD!!! Why couldn't he have gotten her! She doesn't even believe in love and he does so why does SHE deserve it! And she played him. UGH! SO messed up. I am like the guy in the movie. Throws his heart out because he really cares and guess what happenes? She finds someone else! I am not telling you the name so I don't ruin it for you guys but I had to rant about it. Also, Maddi's cousin Cheyrl is in town so that is gonna be fun. Well, yeah. That is all I have to report from my SO interesting life here in sunny cal-i-for-ni-yay .... interesing, yeah right.

Being On This Road Is Anything but Sure

2009-08-20T10:41:00.000-07:00

Tuesday we basically spent all of our time in the pool playing volleyball. My team only lost once. Later we played "High Card, Low Card." It's basically a funner truth or dare game. Basically, Ethan and Anthony wore dresses, anthony and Dani did eachothers makeup, I ate a piece of dog food, Anthony, Ethan, and Maddi had to put a piece of ice down their pants and wait for it to melt, and Maddi had to jump in the pool with her clothes on. No one could think of anything else good so the game was over quickly. I really wanted to run through the sprinklers on the golf course but my friends were being all blah. That reminds me... guess who is 17! Dani and Andrea. There birthday was Wednesday but we kind of stayed up through Wednesday. We played a bunch of teen songs like 16 by No Doubt, Undone by Kat Tingy, The Middle by Jimmy Eat World and others. We were jumping on the sofa screaming the lyrics. The guys were thoroughly entertained. Lets see, what else...
I got an email from a friend of mine Monday. He had a nightmare the plane I was in coming back from Georgia crashed and I died so he was making sure I was okay... It is really hard to tell with guys. Like I don't know if he called because he actually cared or because he would feel guilty if he didn't. Like one second I could be someone really important to them and as soon as I am out of there sight, they move on. This isn't just with one of my guy friends. I guess I have a track record. Meet a really cool guy friend, say we will stay in touch, and then bye bye. Okay, now I'm sorta talking about my friend over there in Georgia. CHRISTOPHER! ANSWER YOUR EMAILS!!! Everyone else is! Even Damon has! Well, whatever, just let me know before you fall of the face of the Earth. Sorry, I kinda do that with people. It is really hard for me to NOT put my heart into a friendship. Then people mistake it for being nosy but I just really care about my friends even when I don't know them that well. That has got me pretty hurt before.. caring about people so much. But I still find a way to do it all over again...
Anywho, my brother and I came back from Palm Springs Yesterday. I had about twenty minutes to get ready for meeting and I, the teenage girl, was ready before anybody. Yeah, I got skills. I was talking to one of my friends last night at meeting. I don't know HOW to communicate with said person. They ask how was Georgia, what did you do there, but I know that person is only asking to make conversation, not because said person cares. Remember what I said about the putting my heart into relationships? Yeah. Sucks when you care SO much about their sanity and they are counting the seconds for the conversation to be over.
I also just found out that my friends dad is suicidal. There family is staying at a friends house while there dad is being kept under 24 hour surveillance. Could that man ruin a family ANY more thoroughly than he already has!? He has caused his family, my friends, so much pain and suffering. Well, at least he is being taken care of so they can put a stop to all the crap he has put his family through. So, yeah, that is my little spiel.

Did we just....? Yeah, I think we did...

2009-08-18T09:45:00.000-07:00

Hey people. I'm sorry if my last entry scared anybody. I was just in a really sad mood. Yesterday I just played loner practically the whole day. Finally, Maddi and Dani pulled me aside and asked me what was going on.I Just vented out absolutely everything that was on my mind. I expressed how everyone in the group has just such strong personalities and I feel like because I don't, it makes it hard to just enjoy myself when I am trying so hard. But after our heart to heart I am very happy. A lot of the things bothering me are now resolved and I know now that I will be able to rely on all of them to get me through this next year. Even Ethan. The inspiration to the title. See, before we left, like a week before we left, we all bonded and were able to just... be. There weren't any secret feelings towards one another. So getting back from Georgia with the thought that I can't rely on then put me back into the wrong place. After I resolved some important things with my brother, Maddi, Dani, Ethan, and I had our feet in the pool and were talking. Ethan confessed a lot of things to us that have been bothering him. To see him like that... not gonna lie, I was really close to crying. Then Daniella talked about the things going on with her and I think just clarifying all these unspoken feelings brought us, or at least me, back to the right place. So, you guys don't have to worry about me. You left me in great hands. I only wish I was able ti do that to my friends over there in Georgia. I apologize for that. I will talk to you guys later. bye.

Back Here in Cali

2009-08-17T10:49:00.000-07:00

We got off the plane and saw our parents. When we got home, I was ambushed by a leaping Maddi and a jumping Dani. Mackenzie just randomly appeared on Lindsey and Andrea just walked his way over. Once everyone was distracted by people, I ran upstairs to my bedroom. I started laughing and ended up crying. When everyone left we gave Alicia a preview of the song "You and Me" and said I need to pick an easier song. So, I guess we will need to find a new song soon or there will be no song. The next morning we went to Maddi's for breakfast and saw Ethan and Kyla. Andrea, Daniella, Anthony, Mackenzie, and our family went to the beach. After, we went over to Dani's and showed them the slide show, with a little changes. Brandon and I spent the night and slept outside the lake. A cop car was speeding on the lake at like two in the morning. Friday, Brandon, Daniella, Maddi and I saw Time Travelers Wife. It was okay, but it was not as... cutsie as it could have been. Saturday we went out in Service and spent three to four hours looking for a pit. We found one just in the nick of time. I know it is wierd but when I had to go change later, I asked Maddi and Dani if they could go with me. Maddi just gave me a wierd look and said, "Go change in the truck." So, I made the mile hike to the bathroom alone. I almost started crying. If I was back with Alysha and Kesia, they would have BOTH came with me. So, when I got back I just had alone time. When it got dark, I went closer to the shore and layed there, looking at the stars. Thinking how different two skies could be. Later, when we were saying our goodbyes, Andrea blew up at Maddi. All I could think of is how close I am to exploding. The next day at meating, Andrea, Maddi, Brandon, and Dani were no where to be seen. Just... wow. This thing was going gto reaaly get out of hand and we were supposed to go to Palm Springs that night. The ride there was interesting. I kept quiet most of the time for fear if I opened my mouth I would just burst into tears. But even my silence didn't keep me from that. I just stared out the window and wondered what happened? Time happened, and I hate it for doing so. We arrived there in Palm Springs and The first thing I did was put on my bathing suite and jump in the pool. They all joined me, like, five minutes later. We dried off and layed out by the golf course, looking at the stars. I kept on thinking about the last time I was here and how much everything has changed. Last time, I was trying to win brownie points with Daniella. I guessed it worked... I felt bad that Anthony stayed behind and is going tonight with Joan. I was the one who volunteered to stay behind, although I really wanted to go that night. The best part is that I doubt Maddi and Daniela even knew I sacrificed that and if they would really care. They wouldn't stay behind with me or even asked if someone else could stay behind. No, they would think of how it worked out for everyone else who mattered. So, after I went in my room and looked over my list again. I did five things since yesterday, and one from before. Only a hundred and five more to go. Once Maddi and Dani were asleep, I went out by the pool to be alone. I couldn't get Georgia out of my mind. I whispered to myself, "One more year. You can do that. Just one more year." I almost fell asleep and since I didn't want to get raped, I went back inside. That is basically it here. I will try to make my blogs more consitant and smaller. Well, I will talk to you guys later. Love ya!

My Last Time in Georgia...

2009-08-17T10:14:00.000-07:00

Hey guys. I am so sorry. I haven't been keeping up with my blog like I promised. Wow, so much has happened I'm not sure I can sum it all up. Lets see... We went to the Tellus Science Museum with My mom and Terri. Then we went into town where there was a really cool car show and a boutique store where I got the coolest red jacket ever. That night we went over to the Stronens and only got like an hour of sleep. That is when I really discovered ALL the oddities Christopher has. But again, I would NOT change a thing about him. So, that sunday just dragged on with the meating and then our goodbye party. (Which wasn't our real last goodbye so it was okay) I showed them my nastalgic slide show and exchanged gifts. I got a horse, Annika, a handmade koala, Christopher, and Alysha gave me a reaaly amazing paragraph about me and put it in the frame... Wait, no, her WRITING was amazing. Not me. Monday we went to Spencers football practice. The next day was basically me spending all my time writing farewell letters. When everyone came over, I took each person seperately and read them the letter. First Alysha, then Kesia, and finnaly Christopher. I don't know why I expected ANY emotion to really hit Chris, but for some reason I felt like I could die and he wouldn't really have cared. Idk. I just felt like my goodbyes from everyone was sincere and sad, but when I went to give Christopher a hug, he could have just benn saying, "See you tomorow." The next day was our finnal day. We went to Waffle House, packed our bags, and were off. At the gate when I was hugging mom and spencer... That killed me. When they were walking away and I yelled spencers name, he gave me THE mostbetrayed sad look I have ever seen. Like his face was contourted with pain and tears. Once my sister and I were on the plane, the tears just flowed out of us. Well, since I have SO much to type, I'll just make another entry abou California. Blagh. Just the name sounds better. Georgia. That's better.

My Georgia Friends

2009-08-07T10:11:00.000-07:00

Well, I should probably tell you about my friends here and why I have been making such a big deal about them. Now Alysha. She is like me, but the exact opposite. We share a brain and we are both emotional, dependent, caring, empathetic people, but we are so different. She is more bold than I am, for one. She is also a lot better at reading people. I know that if I am having a bad day and feeling like the world is going to end, she won't mock or criticize me. She will listen, empathize, and advise. She is very mature and can handle whatever life throws her way. That's another thing that is different. She has this inner strength that can't be broken. Christopher. He is a genius kid with all book smarts but little street smarts that make for very interesting conversations. But honestly, I love that kid. He is really sweet and caring and yes awkward, but I wouldn't change a thing about him. He is also an awesome drawer and piano player. My only hope is that he doesn't loose his innocence and remains our lovable Christopher. XD. Kesia, well that is a very interesting topic. JK. She doesn't like when people make fun of themselves. *winces at memories* I can always count on her to boost my day. Like every girl her age, I know she is going through a hard time finding who she is. Just remember that life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself. She also has this aura about her that just makes you want to know more about her. Just the way she talks sounds like she picked out each word with care. Annika. Our little Annika. She is the cutest little girl. I feel sorry for Chris. He is going to have quite the job when she is older. I can see that she is going to be a beautiful girl, just like her sister. She also has this weird fascination with Brandon. She already has this master plan of kidnapping Brandon with bubble wrap and keeping him in her room with nothing to eat the rest of his life but oatmeal and toast. Did I mention she is only ten? Yeah. Brandons gots the ladies. Now Damon. Last but certainly not the least. He's the shy guy in the group that wont talk unless you talk first. You can just tell when he speaks that there is a lot going on in his head. His mind is very interesting. He is also very easy to talk to, not to mention hilarious. He has a very sarcastic humor that is very entertaining. So these are the amazing people who made my summer just awesome!

I don't want you to strain yourself too bad, but if you can just think before you act that would help, thanks.

2009-08-06T17:32:00.001-07:00

Continuing on my last rant... I think I know why it bothers me so much that people are so un-empathetic. Because while I am actually trying to put myself in other peoples shoes, other people just simply don't put the effort. They simply don't care. Even if they don't, learn from it. Learn that, hey, maybe I should think about the other person NEXT time. No, no, no. That isn't how it works unfortunately. Example. Woman goes to the airport. Before each flight she gets her box of cookies, sits down, and reads a book waiting for her flight. A guy comes by, sits next to her and starts eating her cookies. She takes one, he takes one. She starts getting annoyed but she keeps on eating, just like the guy. Then, there's the last cookie. They both race for it and the guy gets it. He looks at it, splits it in half, and gives half the cookie to the woman. The girl, furious and appalled, gets up and walks off. Later on the plane, she looks in her bag and sees her cookies. That should have taught her not to assume and to think of the other person. Imagine if that woman was on the plane. A movie is on and she reaches for her headphones, the SAME guy next to her gets them first and then offers to share. She should probably double check and see if she took out her headphones, right? Instead of assuming, right? Nope, she just goes and sits in an empty seat, and guess what? Her headphones were in her bag. WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST LEARN!!! Certain things take a few times to learn, I am living proof. But time, after time, after time and still nothing? Are you kidding me? It's like I am the guy, trying my best to be civilized and think of the other, and the woman is everyone who can't get a hint to be more.... not assuming? I can't think of the word, but you get my point. I just wish that some people would, just try to think before they act.

Where My Heart Lies

2009-08-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

This song is dedicated to the people here in Georgia. Thanks for giving me a reason to smile, and know that you can call anytime. I will always have a shoulder for you guys to lean on, the way you guys gave me yours.

Verse 1:
Always worrying about the things I can't change.
Finding a way for me to be the blame.
And never could I hear my thoughts.
They seemed to be yelling all at once.
And only now have I found
How to silence the sounds...

Chouras:
When I see
The smile on your face
Take in your warm embrace
Your light leads my way
Share the desires
We always had in mind
Shows that I now can find
Where my hearts' home lies

Verse2:
Lost in finding all the pieces
Not really sure who I will be yet
Locked away all my petty troubles
Wont bother anyone with my sorrow
But being with you now
Has only let me learn how

(Chouras)

Bridge:
Leaving you here by yourself
Only reminds me of how I felt
The day I had to say goodbye
And even when I'm back home
Remember that you are where my heart goes...

(Chouras)

To empathize or not to empathize? That is the question.

2009-08-04T22:07:00.000-07:00

I was once asked that if I could change one thing about the world, what would I change. At first I thought it was impossible to answer. After all there are so many things that this world needs changed. But I finally decided that I would want to make people more empathetic. It scares me when I think of all the things that people wouldn't do if they were just more aware of the other persons view point. Murder, rape, theft, abuse.... If they would just stop for one minute and think, "How would my actions effect others" then we would not live in such a horrible world. Like if Satan stopped and thought, "By fooling Eve into eating the forbidden fruit, that would make life horrible for them" then maybe we wouldn't be in these conditions. Or if Eve had thought, "Well, maybe there is a reason why God does not want me to eat from the "tree of good and bad." After all, he has blessed us with such a beautiful world, why would he deprive us of anything else?" And then, what if Adam thought, "Well, God did tell me to not eat that fruit. But since she has boobs, I guess I HAVE to listen to her. So what if we get punished, I'll still be gettin' some, right?" Ugh, the nerve. But back to the people in our day... For some, it's hard to be empathetic, but it gets better the closer you get to someone. Or at least that is what I thought. There are some people who can't even stop and think if there own flesh and blood are getting hurt by the very actions that puts food on the table! (You know who I am talking about!) Some can't even wrap their own minds around the concept that their deceitful lies are hurting the only person in there lives that is putting up with them because they love them and not just because they are required to. One person who was a very close friend of mine told me that I helped him see that a view point doesn't have to be said out loud in order for there to be one. I guess some people just don't get that their opinion isn't the only on that matters. I'm glad that I was able to teach someone that. It makes me feel happy when I am able to leave a mark on someone. A positive one at least. I guess that is why I love Georgia so much. I feel like I have made my mark on people. A big enough one where they know that they can trust me and that I will always listen with an unbiased, open ear. Of course my friends back in California are aware of that, I hope, but its different when it is put to use. My friends have good enough heads on there shoulders and good enough friends where I am not needed as the middle person. Not to say my Georgia friends don't, its just they actually need someone to vent to. And I am more than glad to be that person. One friend, who will remain nameless, has told me more about his/her problems than his/her own best friend in the congregation. To me, that is special. Its special because that means I have earned their trust. Trust is the one thing that I know is hard to get, and even harder to keep. So for someone to trust that I will remain unbiased, or to not get scared, also shows that they know I can handle it. See, being empathetic also has its cons. Some confuse being empathetic with being naive. (which I absolutely hate being called.) I am naive towards some things, not gonna lie, but overall, I'm just able to see and know that there is more than what meets the eye and refuse to assume the obvious unless it is proven. I guess I am the more "innocent until proven guilty type." Well, it's 1:53 a.m. so I'm gonna end my rant and go to bed. Night.

Sure Didn't See THAT One Coming...

2009-08-02T20:50:00.000-07:00

The past forty-eight hours have been busy. We got up at 7:30 for service, went out till noon. After, I went shopping with Alysha, Josh, Katie, Paul, Brandon, and Lindsey. We went to this new store I haven't heard of before coming to Georgia, "Rue21". For me, I like to shop with a purpose, so after I discovered that skinny jeans aren't flattering on me, shopping had little purpose after that. I at least got a few shirts and a necklace, but again, little purpose. After we went over to Christopher and Kesia's around 6:45 and went in the pool. lol. It was funny when I pushed Christopher in. XD. When we were playing silent swimming, Chris and Brandon kept on making deep and weird noises to throw me off. After about six minutes of swimming with my eyes closed confused in the deep end, I gave up. It took awhile, but Kassia finally decided to jump in. I discovered something... something very, very disturbing. Before yesterday, I thought my Dad was the biggest kid I had ever met, but I was wrong. I was so very wrong. Gunner, Kesia's and Christopher's Dad, is a four year old boy trapped inside a forty year old mans' body. For example, Chris and I were eating some cake and ice cream talking when his Dad shouts, "Hey Christopher, Why don't you sit on the other side of Brianna (yeah, I know), so I can see you better," as Christopher shrinked back in his chair disgusted, "Hey Brianna! Stop flirting with my son!" I just responded that I only flirt with guys that are worth flirting with. That kept him entertained. Then he c ame over with his cell phone and got a pic of me slapping Chris in the arm and he was literally jumping up and down screaming, "I GOT IT!" Over and over again. I asked him if I could see the pic and he handed me the phone. When I tried to delete it, he was grabbing me trying to get it. One thing he does nott understand, is that, no one and I mean no one touches me without permission unless I am very, very comfortable with him/her and guess what. I am NOT comfortable with him nor am I comfortable with an older man having a picture of me on his phone. That's not THAT hard of a concept to understand, right? Well, after we watched Forest Gump until 10:30 when Lindsey wanted to go home. Another thing I learned is that Christopher becomes very needy when he's delusional. We were saying our goodbyes and he nearly knocked Alysha over. Then when he hugged me, he didn't get the concept of letting go. So then Aunt Katie shouted, "Sop fornicating in the living room!" I died a little inside, not gonna lie. When I was giving my goodbye to Kesia, she grabbed my arms and said, "Say it. I will not let go until you say it." Then Alysha grabbed my ear while Chris was looking at me waiting joining Kesia in her chant. See, they discovered my self-esteem. How there is very little. So now Kesi has got in the habit of making me say, "I am very pretty." *rolls eyes*. S then Kesia was aying, "Say it with me. I-I a-am v-ve-ver-very p-pr-pre-pret-pretty." After a few tries I muttered it, said, "As if," and went away. That then followed in an intense beating from Alysha. But it is funny. If they think my self-esteem is low now, they should have seen me before. See, people who have "self-esteem issues" have them because they are sad they aren't pretty. I, however, have gotten over that. I am content with what I have even if it may not be the best. So, yeah. It's late and I have already typed a lot. I guess I will type more in the morning. About what happened, because believe me, there is more.

So...

2009-07-30T22:16:00.000-07:00

It is 1:16 in the morning here in Georgia. I am at Alysha's house right now with Brandon and Lindsey. We all took turns drawing on each others' faces. By sworn secrecy I am not allowed to tell you what was drawn but I can assure you that it was hilarious. I am very sleepy and should be in bead right now if I had any sense. But one, It is me and I have been known not to have what people call "common sense", and two, no one has sense past one in the morning. Whatever. Well, today has been interesting. After I made my blog, we looked at pictures of when we were little. It's wierd seeing these pictures. My family here has some sort of rememberance of each of us in every room. I'm not used to that. Sure we have some pictures of us, but it seems there was a lot of other memories I had and were unaware of. Like last week, our mom brought up this box from the basement with all our little kid stuff. So many memories... It's wierd. Learning about your past I mean. It reminds me of a quote I heard once on the opening of a show: You can't find peace untill you have found all the pieces. I guess that's true, cause right now, I am very content. Well RIGHT now I am pretty delusional, but you get the picture. I'm in the middle of writing a song right now describing the effect Georgia and its people have had on me. Thanks for the inspiration guys!
Guess what. When I was typing my sister threw a hissy fit and shut the computer screen. I assumed that gmail didn't save it and got mad. I just discovered the saved draft. XD Yeah, I had a Bri-Bri moment. lol. Well, I'll write later.

Well, Here We Go...

2009-07-30T17:45:00.000-07:00

Hey there. Some people know me as, "that girl" or "that chic". Others know me as the girl who is perfectly content with sitting in the corner with a book away from society. People who really don't know me, just refer to me as the girl in class who only speeks when talked to. But to everyone, I am known as BriAnne. A girl who is all of the above and (hopefully) more. I chose the name Beautiful Concequence because of a quote I heard from a good friend of mine: Trusing in the unpredictable has beautiful consequences. I just decided to spell consequence with a "c" to make it unique. I also picked the name because, quite frankly, it can fit me all too well. Hopefully you will be hearing more from me.